The Heart Team

Does Misogyny Lead to Unhealthy Sexuality?

May 4, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

by Sobia Ali Faisal

To best understand the relationship between misogyny and sexual health I’ll begin this piece with a comprehensive definition for each term.

Misogyny: “[M]isogyny is primarily a property of social systems or environments as a whole, in which women will tend to face hostility of various kinds because they are women in a man’s world (i.e., a patriarchy), who are held to be failing to live up to men‘s standards (i.e., tenets of patriarchal ideology which have some purchase in this environment)” (Manne, p.2). In other words, misogyny is systemic oppression of women, within patriarchal societies in which women are expected to adhere to patriarchal expectations, otherwise face punishment.

Sexual health: Sexual health “is a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled” (World Health Organization, 2006).

We all are aware that sexual health is not something which is explicitly discussed in Muslim communities. However, subtle messages and lessons regarding sexuality and sexual health are being relayed to women constantly and these messages place a heavy burden on them.

“Wear a long shirt when you go to the mosque. You don’t want the men to see your curves.”
“Don’t get too comfortable/friendly with the boys in your class.”
“Keep your voice down in the mosque. The men shouldn’t be able to hear you.”
“If a man sees your hair your wudu is invalidated.” (Yes, I was told this once.)
“Don’t stay out past dark. People will talk.”
“You don’t need to know those things until you get married. And then, your husband will teach you.” (Though this message may not be explicitly stated, there are ways in which this message is relayed.)

None of these statements mention sex or sexuality explicitly, but they all send a clear message. “You, woman, are a sexual being whose curves and voice will sexually excite and distract men, who, upon seeing your hair, will have thoughts so dirty YOUR wudu will be invalidated. Also, getting friendly with the boys in your class will inevitably lead to sexual relations and if you stay out past dark people will assume you’re out there having sex with men. Oh, and if you know about sex before you get married then your husband will assume you were out having sex with men and he won’t respect you. So just let him teach you because he knows from all the sex he was out having with women, like most guys do.”

Women’s sexuality, in Muslim communities, is too often defined in relation to men. The attitudes, views, opinions, and thoughts of men are given priority over the reality of women’s lives. Women’s behaviour is strictly regulated to the meet the patriarchal expectations laid out by men. And, as a result, women’s behaviour is often viewed in sexual terms such that women are policed to behave in ways that do not “force” men to behave in sexually “haram” ways or that ensure people know you are not engaging in “unlawful” sex. When women do not adhere to these expectations, or are assumed to not be adhering to them, they are faced with derision, disrespect, and sometimes ostracization and isolation.

This is misogyny. And enacting this misogyny in the name of religious duty or obligation is a form of spiritual violence, in which women are denied access to religious and spiritual attainment because they fail to meet patriarchal expectations of women’s behaviour.

So how is this misogyny harmful to women’s sexual health? Because it denies women bodily autonomy, having a detrimental impact on the physical, emotional, mental and social well-being related to sexuality. It denies women the choice to decide what is and isn’t sexual, safe, coercive, pleasurable, violence. It conflates non-sexual behaviours (how long our shirts are) with sexual ones and disguises sexually violent ones (coercion) as sexually healthy (sexual education) or natural (men can’t control themselves).

It places the burden of modesty and honour on the shoulders of women, consequently victim-blaming women for any sexual disrespect and sexual violence they may endure.

It assumes women to be recipients of sex placing them in danger of being abused and manipulated, or in a situation of unpleasurable and uncomfortable sex. It shames women regarding their own sexuality and their bodies, a shame which can have an impact on their self-image, including their sexual self-image, and confidence.

So how do we address this? The answer is simple, yet one that meets a lot of resistance. Stop being misogynistic. Obviously, this is much, much easier said than done. We have had centuries of misogyny built into not only our culture, but also our interpretations of religion. This will take a lot of work and will require that we challenge those very patriarchal notions that so many of our values and beliefs are premised upon. But this needs to be done, one little action, one little step at a time, if we want healthy communities.

A few steps to begin this process:

Stop sending girls and women these harmful messages and start sending boys and men messages that instill the unconditional respect of women.

Educate girls and women on sexual health and give them the tools to make their own decisions on what is and isn’t healthy for them.

Stop defining women’s sexuality in relation to men. Women do not exist to sexually please men. It seems like it should not need to be said, but women are whole and holistic people, and sexuality only one part of our being. Let women, and girls, define and decide what we want.

Recognize women’s right to bodily autonomy. A woman can choose to do with her body what she wishes. No one else has the right to decide for her nor to infringe upon her autonomy.

This is just the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. However, if we, as a community, begin with these few basic steps, we will be on the road to a sexually healthier community.

Sobia Ali-Faisal received her PhD in Applied Psychology from the University of Windsor in 2014. She currently resides in Canada.

What to do when Someone Discloses: A Step by Step Guide

May 4, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

Graphic that says "5 Things You Can Do Today To Support Sexual Assault Survivors"

by Nadiah Mohajir

The act of reporting is one of the single most courageous acts ever. The revictimization is so overwhelming, the social, emotional and physical consequences can be so overwhelming, that many find it nearly impossible to report. Because of this, the likelihood of it being a false report are slim to none, with only about 2%-8% of reports being false. As the third in a series of articles on sexual assault prevention (read part 1 here and part 2 here), we have included for you the basics of what you can do when someone discloses to you that they have been sexually abused or assaulted.

What you can do to Support Victims

Step 1: Believe them. The first, and most important, thing you can do for any victim when they disclose to you that they have been abused or assaulted, is to believe them.

Step 2: Encourage professional support. Familiarize yourself with the local resources in your community so that you can refer victims if necessary. However, remember to meet them where they are rather than telling them what they should be doing. Of course, the most ideal course of action is to go to a hospital to get examined and go to the police to file a report. However, the victim may not be mentally ready to do this just yet. Remember that being sexually assaulted is an act that strips the victim of his/her control – it is much more important to empower them to make their own decisions rather than telling them what to do. Of course, this is more appropriate for older victims, and not young children. For a complete list of victim support organizations, please refer to this resource and the list below.

Step 3: Report if you are a mandated reporter. The guidelines for mandated reporting and who is a mandated reporter differ by state, but generally, mandated reporters are: teachers, principals and other school personnel, social workers, physicians, nurses and other health care professionals, law enforcement, clergy, and board members. For more information on your state guidelines, please click here.

Step 4: Maintain the victim’s confidentiality, especially if the victim is a minor. Nobody needs to know the identity of the victim and there are crisis centers and advocates that are trained to hep you continue to offer the individual support they need without having to reveal their identity to others.

Step 5: Offer a victim-centric (one that protects the victim and makes him/her feel safe). If both the victim and abuser are part of the same institution, make sure the victim feels safe while the investigation proceeds. For example, the victim in a school may need:

To request a class room change
To request a specialized homework or exam schedule from their teachers
Additional counseling sessions
To be physically separated from their abuser (if they share the same office space or classroom space)

5 Things You Can Do Today — credit: Mat Schramm

What you can do to Prepare your Institution to Properly Respond to such Allegations

Those in leadership positions at institutions often wonder what steps they should be taking to ensure that the institution is prepared should they have to address allegations. Below are some steps that organization leaders can start taking in order to ensure that they can address a situation swiftly and appropriately.

Step 1: Create policies and procedures. Bring best practices regarding policies such as making sure you have up-to-date manuals, security cameras, and other staff and facility policies in place that put in place preventative measures in your institutions. Make sure that your staff is reminded of these policies, and that these policies are readily available and accessible on your institution’s website. Develop a standard process to follow should your institution be made aware of allegations. Things to consider are processes

to inform parents and other constituents of any supposed danger
to take the necessary preventive measures with the abuser (does he/she need to be suspended? or removed from interacting with young children, etc)
to address the victim needs in a way that is confidential and empowering
to investigate if there are more individuals that have been victimized by the alleged abuser

Step 2: Hire a counselor specially trained to address complaints. If your institution already doesn’t have a trained social services professional or counselor, consider hiring one. If funding is an issue, consider sharing such a professional between two or more institutions or partnering with a local crisis center to serve this role until your institution is ready to bring one on full-time. You can also designate a few staff members to be trained as victim advocates by taking a 40-hour training by a local crisis center.

Step 3: Develop a procedure to collect anonymous reports. Often times, people do not report abuse that they suffered or witnessed, out of fear of being penalized for coming forward with that information. Not having a procedure for anonymous reports can be a significant barrier for someone who has endured or witnessed something. Many universities are now developing a system where students can submit anonymous complaints to a confidential, third party service.

Step 4: Develop a procedure to resolve complaints. Once you receive a complaint, it is imperative to address it in a timely manner. Not considering it seriously or delaying a response can be very disheartening to a victim, and also gives the abuser the opportunity to continue to victimize others. Work with a crisis center or other trained professionals in developing an objective and fair process to address victim complaints in a way that still honors the privacy and needs of the victim.

Step 5: Have students and staff and faculty engage in annual trainings, as well as ongoing awareness and education efforts throughout the year. It is important to note that simply having one training a year is not going to prevent sexual assault from occurring at your institution. Preventing sexual assault requires a shift in the organizational culture and tone, and it is necessary to have ongoing awareness and education efforts throughout the year, and not just at the beginning of the year.

We recognize that many Islamic institutions may not have the budget to incorporate all of these changes at once, and so we recommend an excellent way to fill the gap is to partner with their local rape crisis center and social services to help meet those needs while enough funding and resources are secured to bring such services in-house.

Important Resources to Keep on Hand*

HOTLINES

National Sexual Assault Line – 1-800-656-HOPE

Rape Crisis Hotline 1-888-293-2080

DCFS Number for Mandated Reporters – 1-800-25-ABUSE (1-800-252-2873)

Illinois Domestic & Sexual Violence Hotline – 312-745-3401 toll-free number: 1-877-863-6338

LIST OF NATIONAL CRISIS CENTERS

LIST OF STATEWIDE ORGANIZATIONS

LIST OF VICTIM SUPPORT ORGANIZATIONS

NATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS

National Sexual Violence Resource Center

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network

TOOLKITS AND OTHER RESOURCES

National Sexual Violence Resource Center Publications Database – extensive database that allows you to search by topic

Project Callisto – an empowering, transparent and anonymous way to report sexual assault on college campuses (not yet available on all campuses)

Engaging Muslim Communities In Ending Sexual Exploitation

Talking to Kids about Sexual Violence: A Parent’s Guide to Age-Appropriate Conversations

HEART Women & Girls Publications

* this list is no where near comprehensive, and we will continue to build this list.

Reclaiming Abstinence: Moving Beyond Shame & Fear to an Empowered Choice

May 4, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

by Sameera Qureshi

“Well, how do you know if you and your future spouse are sexually compatible if you don’t have sex before marriage? What if he’s a dud in bed?”

I did a double take at the text message, let out a sigh of exasperation, and tucked my phone away.

Abstinence. Islam, and many other faith traditions, preach “no-sex-before-marriage” as the ideal. Yet the reality is that the majority of non-married individuals will engage in pre-marital sex. The statistics related to Muslim communities are no different: research by Sobia Ali-Faisal indicated that of over 400 17-35 year old Muslims surveyed, 2/3 had engaged in pre-marital sex. And of the 1/3 who didn’t, 50% had seriously considered it.

At this point, I’d like to clarify that this post is not about the fiqh (i.e. religious law) related to pre-marital sex. I’m sure at one point or another as Muslims that we have either received the “sex is haraam (impermissible)” line during our 5-minute pre-puberty sex talk, and/or our parents made us close our eyes during kissing scenes on TV, and this was enough to shame us into not asking anything about intimacy and sex.

Hopefully, reading through this post won’t be that embarrassing.

Most articles and blog entries written about abstinence focus on telling Muslims what we already know: that sex before marriage (i.e. zina in Arabic) is haraam (i.e. religiously impermissible). I am not here to regurgitate this or to convince you of this fact. Rather, my goal is to dissect this notion of abstinence into its myriad of layers that we tend to overly simplify, without much success, and then not talk about.

As Muslims, we are not born with the abstinence switch turned on (no pun intended). Too many of us wrongly believe that abstinence is automatically assumed among all followers of our faith tradition (followed by the fallacy of us therefore not needing information about sex until the night before the wedding). Yet we tend to forget that Muslims are diverse in nature, and like any other religious belief under the umbrella of Islam, abstinence is a choice.

Having worked with teen girls around the notion of values-based abstinence, I’ve come to realize how complicated making a decision around sexual intimacy can be, at any age. The girls that I’ve worked with have opened my eyes to what many struggle with: feeling strong emotions and desires for someone and wanting to express this through intimacy and sex; the difficulty with delaying gratification until an unknown point in the future; the pressures girls feel in relationships, because unfortunately, Muslim youth aren’t educated about healthy relationships before they start dating; the promise from their partner that “sex is OK because our intention is to get married, Inshallah (God willing).” I could go on and on about how complicated of a decision it is to choose to abstain from sex or to not. I would even argue that the decision to abstain is easier to make when you’re single and not in a relationship, and takes much more “willpower” to stick to when you’re getting to know someone and are obviously attracted to them physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Which leads me to define what abstinence means. While the traditional definition focuses on sex, I’ve come to learn through my work and research that we all have different takes on abstinence that depends on a myriad of factors including values, sexual health education exposure, experiences, etc. We each tend to define abstinence differently in terms of what we’re “comfortable with” in a relationship. For example, some Muslims will say absolutely no touching of any sort (i.e. even a handshake) is permissible before marriage. Some Muslims are fine with public displays of affection but draw the line at anything in isolation from others. Some Muslims are fine with everything up to and including sex. Some Muslims may try different forms of physical intimacy with their partner and will change their definition of abstinence – which is absolutely healthy and brings to this discussion the notion of consent. Just because someone consents to sex with their partner (or any form of physical intimacy for that matter) one time does not mean that consent is automatically present for future intimacy. Sex without consent is rape. Abstinence is also not something set in stone – our definition of it can change over time and within the context of a relationship.

Working under the assumption that most Muslims are not abstinent from sex before marriage leaves me wondering how many are fully informed about safe sex? The work that needs to be done is around harm reduction:

Do sexually active Muslims have the knowledge they need to keep themselves and their partners safe from STIs?
Are they aware of contraceptive methods?
Do both partners feel comfortable taking about their sexual experiences and boundaries, and do they gain consent?
Are there elements of abuse or coercion in the relationship – emotionally, physically, spiritually and sexually?
How often do they communicate with one another about their needs – sexual and otherwise?
Do they know where to go for resources and support if they struggle with any form of intimacy? (i.e. trauma-related, vaginismus, etc)

I’ve heard many Muslims speak about the fact that by teaching the above information (which is essentially what comprehensive sexual health education is), people are essentially being led to experiment with sex. What many Muslims fail to realize is that research actually shows the opposite – that teaching values-based sexual health education that is comprehensive delays first time sexual activity and leads youth to make decisions about sex that are more in line with their values.

Go figure – knowledge leads to empowerment.

My decision to remain abstinent from sex before re-marriage has been met with a few dubious comments from people who know I’m divorced. And unfortunately, it’s mostly men who don’t seem to understand how personal of a decision abstinence is and it having nothing to do with being previously married. I’ve been trying to figure out how to describe my decision process for choosing abstinence, since again, no one talks about their decision either way. Because as much as we try to tell youth and young adults “just don’t do it,” this simplistic type of approach doesn’t work.

We cannot tell our youth to choose abstinence. They need to reach this conclusion on their own.

Shocking, I know.

While I haven’t created a model around “abstinence,” I do like to use a holistic approach in thinking about this concept. We tend to over-emphasize the physical aspect – “Don’t give into your sexual desires,” “It’s wrong to have sexual desires,” “Control your urges,” etc. Comments and thought processes such as these are not helpful. God created us with attraction and desires and we cannot shame people into abstinence. As a community, we have done this for years to Muslim girls and women, and the consequences are many.

Which leads me to bring up a very important point. Culturally speaking, I’ve seen many families and communities place all the pressure on girls and women to be abstinent while not endorsing (to say the least) the same for boys and men. From an Islamic perspective, the notion of abstinence applies equally to both sexes. Boys and men do not get a free pass – nor should they be permitted to expect abstinence from women when they themselves do not practice it. This dichotomy and double standard is dangerous and unfair. I do not for one second buy it when boys and men so confidently state, “Well, you know, I’m a man and I have needs” as a valid reason for their choice to be sexually active.

Because, so do women.

At the same time, we cannot endorse abstinence from a solely emotional/fear-based perspective – “You might regret having sex,” “What if you don’t get married?,” and “Sex is painful” is just a few of the erroneous and harmful statements that Muslims are often told. Statements such as these add to the emotional stress an individual is facing when it comes to deciding to be abstinent and/or following through with their decision. Not only that, but these false beliefs turn into shame that may follow individuals even into their marital life.

The path that people who choose to be abstinent take varies. My own decision-making around abstinence revolves around learning from past relationships, including my marriage; my values around gender interactions; my desire to build an incredibly strong spiritual and emotional connection first with my partner, which will ultimately lead to and encompass a physical connection; and my spiritual journey and goals. Again, I want to re-iterate that I am not sharing this as a means to shame or exclude those who define abstinence differently from me. My goal is to hopefully encourage everyone to think about abstinence from a more nuanced lens rather than a simplistic one, and to ensure that any decision they make is free of shame. And this takes an incredible amount of self-reflection, knowledge and critical thinking skills.

Our communities need more discussions and resources around abstinence and healthy/safe sex. And by this, I don’t mean to “change people’s minds” about their decision to be intimate. The unfortunate part is that many individuals believe that by talking about relationships, dating, and sex, they’re essentially “outing” themselves to the community about their sexual decision making. And since pre-marital sex is religiously frowned upon, there’s a notion that talking about it is essentially telling other people about your sins. Hence why I think it’s incredibly important that these discussions be facilitated by individuals who know what they’re talking about and doing, rather than those who have the intention of helping but know nothing more than that.

And to be honest, the best way to support our community is through early and comprehensive sexual health education. Give all the information, focus on critical thinking and communication skills, and allow plenty of time for self-reflection and decision making from a healthy, informed and empowered place.

We have a lot of work to do around supporting individuals along all points of contact with this notion of abstinence. I think we need to first come to a place where we are less concerned about shaming those who engage in sex before marriage, and focus on ensuring that everyone is equipped with what they need to make any sort of decision.

For those who want a quick read about abstinence, this document is quite well done: http://adph.org/FamilyPlanning/assets/FHS2712015.pdf.

For anyone needing more specific information, resources or support, please feel free to “Ask A Question” to a virtual peer educator at www.hearttogrow.org.

I hope I’ve at least been able to start the tricky conversation on abstinence. Please forgive me if I have said anything that is offensive, it wasn’t at all my intention.

I, like you, am learning.

Sameera Qureshi is the Director of Education, Canada for HEART Women & Girls. For the last several years she led sexual health and sexual assault awareness programming for the Muslim community in Calgary and other Canadian communities. Most recently, she has moved to Washington, DC, where she hopes to continue similar programming. If anyone is interested in hosting an workshop or training in the DMV area (D.C., Maryland, and Virginia) for Muslims around sexual violence (i.e. across the lifespan and for any audience), please contact HEART at the web address above or comment on this post.

originally published on http://muslimsistah-sq.blogspot.com/

The Pain of Sex

May 4, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

By Anonymous

For the past few years, I have struggled with pain associated with vaginal intercourse. I visited doctors but none could provide me with the answers I was looking for. “Have more sex, it’ll open up…it is supposed to hurt…try different angles.” The advice was never helpful and only reinforced my worry that there was something wrong with me. I was unable to find help or an escape, but I wasn’t necessarily looking for one. I was content not having my vaginal issues resolved because I wasn’t in a hurry to have children. I was able to enjoy other sexual activities and had a patient and loving partner. I knew I would have to figure it out eventually and waited until I had the emotional and financial capacity to dig deeper for the answers I was looking for.

A few weeks ago I visited a new doctor. She had me hold a mirror as she took a look down there and pointed out the problem. “Now sit still, does that hurt? Hmm have you ever touched yourself before, you are pretty fidgety. Oh there it is – I see what the problem is. Can you see that – you have two tiny holes instead of one big one.” A septate hymen. Clear and visible to me and the doctor – a nostril in my vagina.

As the doctor typed on her computer, I sat uncomfortably still trying to process what she was saying. “We’ll need to see what’s going on through an MRI and given how difficult it is for you to be touched, we’ll have to knock you out for the procedure.” I nodded in agreement. There was no way in hell I wanted to be awake for this.

My doctor recommended me for physical therapy. The physical therapist took me in at around 8:20am. She had me walk, sit, lay down, move around until the big reveal moment when she herself poked around. I was watching her face as she observed my pelvic muscles and knew in an instant that this was complicated. I asked her what was wrong and to just tell me what she thinks honestly. “Honestly, my patients with just a septate hymen do not react like this. My patients with vaginismus do. Go through with the surgery and then talk to your doctor. We may have to bring you back for regular sessions. In the meantime, here’s a list of exercises I want you to do twice a day.” I thanked her and walked out.

As the weeks passed, I visited the hospital for various appointments. Each time I got back to my car, I sat in silence taking deep breathes, then drove to work in tears while jamming to Adele on blast to get all my emotions out of my system. You see, you can’t talk vag in the office. Sure, you can talk about how you caught a cold, or need to get a root canal – that’s all work appropriate. But to bring up your vag problems is awkward to discuss with anyone really.

Being that I’ve been married for a few years, I often get asked if I want to have children or if I am planning to have kids soon. You can plan all you want, but the reality is that nothing is in your hands. Even after all the treatment, surgeries, therapy and healing – Will I be able to have kids? Will I be able to experience vaginal intercourse without the pain? Only Allah knows. All I know is that this is so freaking hard and I can only try my best. I am exhausted and emotionally drained and want it all to be over. I want to not have to worry about missing work for my medical appointments or budget a portion of my salary for medical expenses. I want to not have to hold back tears whenever anyone asks me if I like kids. I want to let myself be vulnerable with the ones I love and not have to show that I have everything under control. I can’t wait for the day when I can finally be excited about the possibility of being pregnant. About the possibility of painless sex! And surprise my patient partner with the news of our own little one. I want a lot of things in life. But I’ll make do with what I have for right now. My story, this space to share it and your duaas, iA.

The author of this post has chosen to remain anonymous.

Just Because you Can’t See my Wounds, Doesn’t Mean They Aren’t There

January 14, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

by Amina Darwish

Imam Tirmithi narrates a hadeeth where Abu Bakr [may God be pleased with him] said: “O Messenger of Allah! You have become gray.” He said: ‘I have gone gray from (Surat) Hud (11), Al-Waqi`ah (56), Al-Mursalat (77), `Amma Yatasa’alun (78) and Ithash-Shamsu Kuwwirat (81).”

Surah Takweer (81) describes the horrors of the Day of Judgment: the sky falling apart, the movement of the mountains and the pairing of the souls with their bodies. The first consequence of the souls being returned to their bodies is the mau’uda being asked why she was killed. The mau’uda is the infant girl in pre-Islamic Arabia that would be buried alive by her father – the man that should have been her biggest protector – out of fear that one day she would bring shame to her family. Pre-Islamic Arabs were made up of tribes that were often at war, thus inflating the value of sons who could carry arms over daughters who could be captured and turned into the property of their enemies. But on the Day of Judgment, humanity would stand in silence as that little girl pleads her case and speaks for herself. The Quran’s description of these events had turned The Prophet’s (peace be upon him) hair white.

I wonder what then would the Prophet (peace be upon him) say of how we treat women and girls that were victims of sexual violence. Would it turn his hair white? Like the mau’uda their only crime was being a girl. And like her, their voices are often silenced. We need to understand the nature of sexual violence. It is not about lust. It is about power. It is about physical control that translates into a power structure that goes against the essence of our humanity. In pre-Islamic society, where patriarchy was completely ingrained into the culture of the warring tribes, the potential of shame that may be felt by the patriarch of the family or the tribe was given precedence over the pain felt by victims.

Islam was sent to change the ignorant ways that existed before it, when right and wrong were based on power and strength and not virtue. This reality was all too real for women, slaves, orphans, and anyone else society had deemed powerless and unworthy of their humanity. In carrying on the tradition of the Prophet (peace be upon him), it is not enough to rid our communities of specific practices; we also must rid ourselves of a culture that blames the victims for crimes committed against them.

AbulFath AlBasti, the famous poet says, “Oh servant of the body, how much you complain about maintaining it. Do you seek success in something that is fleeting? Realize your spirit and complete its virtues. Your humanity is in your spirit, not your body.” Blaming the victims for the harm that has come to their bodies also effectively dismisses their spirits and acts like they are nonexistent.

There is a sexual nature to such attacks, but because the consent of the victim is removed, the aspect of thulm, or injustice, supersedes the sexual nature of the crime. Therefore, sexual assault is not comparable to fornication, or zina, because the victim does not give consent. To compare zina and sexual assault would be like asking for two witnesses to a robbery as a comparison to needing two witnesses to financial transactions. The two are incomparable because of the oppression and the removal of consent from one of the parties. No victim chooses to be sexually assaulted in the same way that no one asked to be robbed.

Another problem of blaming the victims is that it accepts an out of control sexual desire of the perpetrator as fact and dismisses the sexual pain of the victim. When it comes to sexuality, Islam holds men and women equal and does not belittle the sexuality of women. This fact is highlighted in the hadeeth narrated in Tirmithi and Sunan Abi Dawud when the Prophet (peace be upon him) was asked about the ritual purification after a sexual experience, and he stated that in these matters, “Women are the partners/ counterparts of men.”

These concepts culminate in the story of Sumaya (may God be pleased with her). She is the first martyr in Islam, and her murder was graphic. If you do not want to hear the story, this is the place to stop. Abu Jahl, who is the Pharaoh of this ummah, tortured her, her husband and her son. He tried to break her will, and she spat in his face. He was so angry that he drove a spear between her legs until it came out the other side. He couldn’t break her will, so he decided to physically control her body to exert his power. That is the nature of sexual violence. Her murder was violent, sexual and in clear sight of her husband and son. Her husband did not make it out alive. Part of the torture was the psychological warfare of torturing her and sexually hurting her in clear sight of her husband and son. When we hear about abuse, you can choose to side with Lady Sumaya (may God be pleased with her), who is a hero in Islam and was promised Paradise from Allah’s messenger (peace be upon him) or you can look at the victims with the disdain Abu Jahl had in his eyes when he killed her.

Blaming victims for what they have endured is beyond unconscionable. It is also in clear opposition to the message of the Prophet (peace be upon him) who elevated them instead of putting them down. The scholars of our tradition have passed down these lessons in tact and no one had any shame in telling the story of Lady Sumaya (may God be pleased with her) as it was. She was a hero to all the believers and she will remain so till the end of time. May God be pleased with her and her family. The sexual violence that she endured did not take away from her martyrdom. It did not cause her or her family shame. This example stood in clear contrast to Arab society at the time. In fact, the pride the Muslims took in Lady Sumaya (may God be pleased with her) and her family was a clear message to the tyrants in Mecca that the will of the Muslims could not be broken.

The bodies and spirits of victims must be protected. The goals of the Sharia, as defined by Imam Ghazali, maintain those rights for everyone. It is an Islamic imperative to protect those rights for everyone especially those who were wronged or oppressed and stand up to the oppressor. This is especially true when someone within the Muslim community is the perpetrator. God says in the Quran (4:135), “O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allah, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allah is more worthy of both. So follow not [personal] inclination, lest you not be just. And if you distort [your testimony] or refuse [to give it], then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.”

People who abuse the trust the community put in them do not deserve 70 excuses any more than a murderer or a thief. Rather, it is those who are wronged that deserve the community’s protection and understanding. They also deserve to not be questioned about how they became the victims of such abuse. The 70 excuses can be given to victims, but excuses cannot be made to justify an oppressor. In fact, if we were truly acting out of love for the perpetrators, we would stop them from being able to continue the oppression. Facing their victims is scary, but it is nowhere near the fear of having to face God knowing that you have taken the rights of others. Justice cannot be separated from Sharia, and we owe it to the victims to protect them. If we do not stop sexual offenders in our communities, we are complacent in the assault of their future victims.

In the climate of Islamophobia, some may be reluctant to report abuse; however, we have learned from the experience of the Catholic Church that not reporting abusers ultimately hurts the entire community instead of only holding to account the few abusers. We must also help the victims and not revictimize them through unjust or insensitive social expectations. They need to heal from the hurt they endured. Their spiritual and psychological well-being may depend on such community support. In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., “In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

Sexual abuse is a dark part of humanity that cannot be hushed or wished away. Sexual abuse can only be addressed by forcing it out of its darkness. We must support those who speak out against the abuse they endured. May God help heal our hearts and give us the strength to live out the compassion and justice our Prophet peace be upon him so perfectly embodied.

Amina Darwish is a graduate of the Qalam seminary under the guidance of Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda. She is the Muslim chaplain at the University of Cincinnati. She earned a BS in Chemical Engineering from Kuwait University, a MS in Industrial Engineering and PhD in Chemical engineering from the University of Cincinnati. She worked as an adjunct faculty at the University of Cincinnati Clermont and as the content development coordinator at the Muslim Youth of North America. She is a recognized national youth advocate and speaker.

Late Night Reflections on an Abusive Marriage

January 14, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

*trigger warning for sexual violence

by Rafat

I remember lying in my bed staring out the skylight window, after my former husband would have had his way with me, wondering to myself what my parents might be doing this moment? Were they sleeping soundly in their beds?

Like many young Pakistani American women, I married a man my family ultimately approved of. We were from two different countries, but were set up by acquaintances we had in common. It was an extremely traditional courtship – his visits were supervised. With occasional exception for a dinner at a restaurant, we were not allowed to be alone – even in a car. Even then, things depended on the whims of my parents who may have thrown a kebab-mein-hadee (literal translation bone in kabob, aka third wheel) into our dinner plans in the form of my brother, cousin – or cousins.

Our long distance courtship was relatively smooth. Aside from my family’s occasional mild critiques or inquiries into his professional background, he checked all the required boxes: he was well educated, from a seemingly decent family, most importantly, he was an observant Muslim. Our families spoke to friends of friends for references and, like that, his family’s proposal was accepted.

While our courtship was smooth, things were not always perfect. We were guilty of a variety of social faux pas, like incessantly chatting on instant messenger, to everyone’s ire. Once, we were caught with his arm around my shoulder; another time, standing too closely together while casually talking. In those instances, we were gently reminded that too much proximity between us as an unmarried couple might only hurt us in the long run. We understood well that these safeguards were meant to protect us and ultimately we respected them. On top of everything else, we had several interests in common, such as our mutual penchant for social and political justice, and oddities like kickboxing. After my period of istikhaara, (special prayer for guidance) things came together even smoother. It was a good sign.

Unlike the old image of the sorrowful Desi (South Asian) bride, I was happy on my wedding day. I treated myself quite generously to massages, facials, and lots of shopping. I was also incredibly meticulous with planning. Aside from the food that was much spicier than it was supposed to be and the florist who did a dreadful job with my flower arrangements, everything came together rather effortlessly on the day of. My entire family gave me away in a picturesque way. And while my bouquet wound up being a third of the size it was meant to be and looked ridiculous in photos, I managed to overcome the minor flaws, centered in the belief that I had sensibly crafted my destiny down to every detail of the wedding – the family favorite caterer, the music that was cultural but without lewd, suggestive lyrics, and my most beloved Imam.

That my fiancé and I were well matched was undeniable. I knew for certain that I was marrying the right man and had no doubts about it, nor that we had courted inappropriately. Marriage is serious business and it was important to us that we enter into it with as many blessings as possible. Sweating the small stuff by that point was well beyond my sense of bliss.

When things began to go wrong so early into our marriage, I didn’t necessarily see it as a foreshadowing of what was to come. I wanted to believe in the values and ideas I was taught about marriage: that it takes time for a newlywed husband and wife to get to know one another and for their marriage to settle into peace. We had gone about our marriage with what felt like boundless blessings from our families and communities; I was convinced that he and I were destined to succeed. So I put in the work and I made myself entirely emotionally and physically available to my new husband, with the hope that things would inevitably work themselves out.

It didn’t take long for me to start seeing the red flags. Two weeks into our marriage he began yelling at me in public. A month in, instead of enjoying my very first Eid as a new bride, I hid in the bathroom at the local mosque away from the inquisitive eyes of the community, controlling my tears after he spent the entire morning screaming at me about socks. Despite his habitual outbursts of uncontrollable rage, I very rarely pushed back on my husband in the first year and a half of our marriage.

Everything was incredibly confusing. Only a few months earlier, this same man had been doting on me, calling me the prettiest girl in the world, vowing that he wanted to help me reach paradise and making the promises all hopeful brides-to-be want to hear. Despite the very prudent nature of our courtship, to my shock and horror, I sensed very quickly that my new husband was a completely different man than the one who came to visit me and my family during our courtship – a fact that I was to remain in denial of the whole of our marriage. By the time I had come to learn of his true nature, we were already married. Hence, I spent four wretched years of my life haunted by my own denials. Instead of enjoying married life, I anguished daily, tormented by a futile search for even a hint of a specter of the gentleman who courted me. I was desperate. And despite what everyone around me tried to tell me about family, I was alone.

On full availability mode, I also very quickly became the default go-to person to get things done at home, on top of having a job of my own. It also meant that I was expected to be available to his family, no matter the time of day. It’s not that I was unhappy about carrying out a traditional role, it’s that rapidly over time, in spite of my attempts to try and make things work between my husband and I, I got less and less from him in return. Four months into our marriage, he stopped sleeping with me. From that point until the very end of our marriage, the man I called my husband and his entire family, remained complete strangers to me.

As if navigating the world as a new bride isn’t bewildering enough, being thousands of miles away from home and family only serves to exaggerate the day-to-day commotions of newlywed life. As situation would have it, my husband and my in-laws were the only people I knew in this new life that I lived and I wound up being wholly reliant on them. I often felt as if my life had been left to chance and I was forced to operate in this new world purely on trust – trust that the people who now considered me “family” would honor their duty to care for me. My fate did not account for other outcomes.

Thousands of miles of distance between people conceals our daily nuances from one another – the details of which are powerful enough to alter perspectives.

My ex-husband began to rape me about a year into our marriage – often on a nightly basis. On some occasions, I believe he violated me out of sheer boredom. Our chemistry was extremely short lived and boredom set in approximately six months into our marriage when it became evident that our life together was never going to be as important to him as his unremitting need for video games and nightly outings with friends who had fancy cars and reckless driving records. Nevertheless, every time he violated me, I believe he did it simply because he could.

My ex-husband also regularly taunted me by insisting my family didn’t care about me. It was the one thing he said to me that I never could devise a retort for. Not from a rational perspective. It’s not that I believed him. I know for a fact that my family would have been outraged if they learned about the abuse. It’s that underneath it all, there was a rather thorny truth: it was that our marital arrangement worked somewhat like Russian roulette. From his point of view, my loving family placed me into the fateful pass of probability and then disappeared from my life. In the end, did it matter how he turned out? To them, he checked the necessary boxes that made it probable that he was a good match for me. However, I quickly realized that you can never know a person truly until you are married to them, as most abusers do not show their nature to the outside world. They are more often than not, charmers.

Despite the fact that it is obviously counter-intuitive to place a child’s life into the hands of complete strangers, culturally, it is normal practice when it comes to our daughters and their nuptial destinies. Sometimes I can’t help but to wonder if our families actually grasp the hazardous messages some of our day-to-day norms convey – that our daughter’s lives, for instance, are insignificant enough to leave to probability; that our daughter’s lives matter less than a set of rules – or at least the appearance of one. Yet, these traditions, these systems, is all that they know, and ones that have served generations successfully. In the end, in the name of upholding our traditions and expectations, our daughter’s lives, despite her biggest dreams, her many achievements and countless talents, are reduced into oblivion. It was the reason why my mother-in-law took credit for my qualities, erasing my entire upbringing in the process. It was the reason why even my in-law’s friends repeatedly insisted that my in-laws should be more important to me than my own family, because a woman ultimately belongs to her husband and his family. My education and employment were swiftly reduced into conversational details, significant enough to exhibit to members of their community, yet trivial enough to become a nuisance in a conflict of interest.

Even my ex-husband grasped the fact that under the guise of traditional marriage, my foundational structures of support had been entirely stripped from my life, as he frequently liked to remind me, often verbatim, there were no consequences for his crimes against me. In this new life I lived, there was no accountability – not for him, not for his family. It was in that vacuum that a group of perverse and cruel strangers had their way with me.

My ex-husband carried out the worst of it all in the small hours of the night when his crimes against me would be completely concealed from the world. In those hours, there was no one I could reach out to, nor any place I could go. The only option I had was to wait for the arrival of the morning when he and I would both rise and get ready to go to work.

Over the course of our marriage, it was in those few hours of duress that eventually my mind atrophied over compulsive thoughts that this was what my life had come to. In those moments, those thoughts often led me to wonder about my parents. There was always a strange overwhelming sadness I felt, one that I can’t quite describe, knowing that they were sleeping peacefully in their beds while this was happening to me. Ultimately, my parents entrusted my life to a stranger because they genuinely believed in a system that was designed to keep me safe and happy. Right or wrong, when it comes to marriage and relationships, it is the only system they have ever known and one they presumed to have worked well. Nevertheless, it wound up being the most dangerous experience of my life.

The author of this post has chosen to write under a pen name.

On Sexual Trauma, Relationships, and Moving Forward

January 14, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

by Sameera Qureshi

The day after I moved to D.C., I attended a community event. I was a little early, having not figured out that Google Maps tends to over-estimate the amount of time it will take on the Metro to get somewhere (!!). Someone else had checked in for the event. I “Salaamed” them, we introduced ourselves, and I wandered into the bookstore section to browse while I waited.

The guy I had introduced myself to told me he needed to use the bathroom and would be back (too much information, I thought to myself). He then approached me and started to chat (something about being on someone’s campaign team, blah blah blah), not noticing that I was more interested in the books than what was spewing out of his mouth – which was a lot of self-endorsement. I then tried the “let me grab my phone” tactic to send him another hint since my short answers and flat affect weren’t doing the trick. But he still hung around, even looking at my phone and commenting “oh, wow, you’re so good at closing your apps when you’re done.

That was plain creepy and I started to lose patience with the space invader.

The event opened up and I took a seat at a table across from some women, since their table was full. The dude came and sat at my table. I turned my chair to face the women and introduced myself. We started chatting but it didn’t distract me from the fact that this guy was sitting at my table. There was an empty table behind the women, so I switched seats, and continued chatting with them until the event started.

The space invader was sitting by himself until he was joined by a friend. I wondered if he was a space invader too.

When the event was over, I was waiting to speak with the organizer, and the dude was waiting to take a photo with the speaker, a well-known Muslim (geez…). He then hovered close to where I was speaking with someone and when I was done, handed me his business card with his email address scribbled on the back. I forced a smile, said thanks, and he left.

I tore it up and threw it away before I headed out to the Metro station.

I’m sure this has happened to many people – someone is too clingy, resulting in awkward moments and trying to find a subtle way of saying “leave me alone!” before you actually have to say those words. For me, situations like this cause greater anxiety than perhaps for others. While I’m definitely dealing much better with past trauma, there are remnants I’m learning to cope with, and one is the feeling of safety when I perceive that my personal space is being invaded.

The part of the brain that is responsible for “gut” type feelings such as anger and fear is called the amygdala. It’s a primitive part of the limbic system (the emotional centre), developed pretty much at birth, and is subconscious in the way it perceives anger and fear. Childhood experiences play a large role in determining the sensitivity level of the amygdala (i.e. as does our time in-utero, genetics, etc). While the amygdala is somewhat under our control, since we can use the frontal lobe to change our thoughts to then change our feelings (i.e. the prefrontal cortex for all of you brain nerds out there), adverse childhood events (called ACE) such as exposure to forms of violence, abuse, trauma, etc can impact it permanently. So while I’m definitely not triggered by situations as I used to be before EMDR therapy (see here for information), I do feel remnants of anxiety-like feelings in situations where I (i.e. my amygdala) perceive my personal space is being invaded.

Given the high statistics related to sexual assault/abuse (1 in 4 women by the age of 18, and 1 in 6 boys by the age of 18), there are many individuals within all communities who are living their lives with the aftermath of trauma. Within Muslim communities, this statistic holds strong. From my personal experience of running sexual health groups with young Muslim women, I’ve had approximately 40% of attendees in groups disclose that they have been sexually assaulted/abused. We are dealing with a very serious problem that no one seems to want to speak about. The impacts are numerous, and incredibly individualized at the same time. No two amygdalas are the same, and note that negative events are stored much stronger in our long-term memory than their counterpart positive memories.

The impact of trauma is numerous, but one that I am much more cognizant of (given the stage of life I’m in) is the impact on forming a relationship. While many people looking to get married have numerous qualities they’d be quick to rattle off about their potential spouse (I have a similar “list” as well), for me, safety is number one. If I feel as though my personal boundaries are already being invaded, or there’s a chance based on someone’s demeanour, behaviour, or how he initially treats me, the amygdala alarm goes off and it’s done. It can be as simple as something that was emailed or texted, to an action in person, to observing how someone acts in public around others. That person will either hear from me or see from me that I do not feel safe in his presence. Hence the clingy dude described above. I had to “escape”. Him being that close to me, without my permission, was making me feel agitated and restless. The only way to diffuse these feelings was to get out of the situation.

Which leads me to bring up the topic of consent – men don’t know enough about this concept, and Muslim men are not excluded. Consent is the notion that explicit permission must be gained from the other party before any sort of physical intimacy is initiated. It works both ways for men and women (note: I realize I’m using heteronormative language, since I’m writing about my own experiences). I believe that consent extends into entering someone’s personal space. The dude above didn’t ask if he could sit at my table. He didn’t attune to the fact that I was browsing books with my back turned towards him, walking away from him, and replying to messages on my phone, since he continued to attempt a conversation. Call this a lack of basic social skills or blatantly ignoring them, but it relates to consent. I don’t know who are you and you’re entering into my space without my permission.

I am very cognizant of the fact that one of the primary feelings I need to have in a relationship is that of safety. I’ve rehearsed in my head how to disclose my past trauma to someone when I need to/the time is right, for the sake of them understanding where I’m at and what I need to feel safe. I’m aware that my level of knowledge on trauma and sexual assault/abuse is perhaps higher than the average person, so I’ve even rehearsed how to break down the whole brain-body-memories connection in order to respond to the potential question of “but it happened so long ago!’ My needs around safety are non-negotiable, as they shouldn’t be for everyone. I would not waste time on someone who fails to understand that I can’t change what I’ve experienced, and I didn’t choose to live with the consequences of someone’s assertion of power and control over me.

Given the statistics of sexual abuse and assault I mentioned above, I know that there are many other Muslim women and men who are living with the aftermath of trauma. No two people respond the same to traumatic events, and thus I cannot extrapolate and generalize my experiences. However, I do hope to offer some tidbits of advice to anyone out there who is a survivor of trauma and is attempting to form a relationship or is currently in one and struggling:

1. Know what trigger points you have, if possible, think about the thoughts you’re having and how you feel as a result.

For example, I’d be triggered when I was running a child sexual abuse education program at my previous job. I’d also be triggered when I’d be standing in line at the grocery store or a cafe, and would perceive that someone was standing too close to me. I started to write down trigger points and the feelings (and thoughts) I’d have as a result. Cognitive awareness is incredibly important. Don’t analyze the triggers quite yet or judge how you feel – it’s all about writing down the facts. Trigger -> Feelings and Thoughts.

2. Explore if seeing a counsellor is something you’d benefit from outside of the support network of friends you have (if you’ve disclosed your trauma).

I knew I had to seek professional help a year and a half ago when being triggered was preventing me from doing my job without breaking down at home. The event would play itself in my head over and over again, and I could feel my muscles tensing up. I started seeing a counsellor who used a cognitive-behavioural approach. After six months, I didn’t feel as though it was making a difference. I then heard about EMDR through a colleague. Three sessions later and I can’t tell you the world of difference it made, I’m incredibly blessed. EMDR (Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is worth looking into, it is very well researched and has great outcomes.

3. Know what you need from someone before getting into a relationship, or if you’re in one, how you plan to communicate your needs with your partner.

This can be incredibly challenging given that we’re all at different stages of dealing with our trauma (it’s not the same linear process for all survivors), with talking about it, and with being vulnerable in disclosing it. There’s no set way of doing this, it’s based on your comfort level, the point in the relationship that you feel it’s important to disclose your situation, your read of the relationship with the other person, etc. If you need support with this step, consider speaking with a close friend you trust about it, or call a hotline that specializes in supporting survivors. There are people out there who are willing to support you – including myself. Although I’m not a counsellor, just so you know!

4. Plan to communicate on a regular basis with your partner, as needed, to check in.

A healthy relationship requires constant and consistent communication – and how you’re feeling in the process of coping with trauma could be one of these topics. Of course, these conversations should only happen about aspects that are relevant to the current situation at hand, and based on your comfort level. Most of the time, they could be initiated by you, but if your partner checks in with you about what you’ve spoken about and your needs, that’s even better. If your relationship is at a point where professional help is needed, for any reason, definitely consider both attending counselling.

5. Take care of yourself!

I know this sounds cliche in every sense of the word, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to do what you want and need to do. Being triggered sends a cascade of the stress hormone cortisol flowing through your bloodstream. The effects of cortisol include increased heart-rate, agitation, tenseness, and so forth. Think about what would help you diffuse these feelings. Research indicates that the best way to deal with increased cortisol levels is physical activity. So whether you prefer a slow and meditative yoga class or a lactic-acid inducing HIIT session – do something movement related to help you in the moment. Then think about what other self-care strategies could help – including journaling (there’s a lot of research on writing and healing from trauma), speaking with a friend, expressive arts, going for a walk and getting fresh air, prayer, meditation, etc. Think of these activities as a toolkit to be used for both intervention and prevention purposes.

Having blogged before about sexual assault/abuse within the Muslim community, we’re not doing enough to educate children, youth and families; we lack spaces where survivors can feel safe getting the support they need; we don’t speak with young adults about consent and gender roles; and so much more. I am certain that there are couples out there in many different stages of their relationship where at least one party has been sexually assaulted/abused. I really hope that these individuals have the support they need. If you’re one of these individuals and you’re struggling, please reach out to me here or check out www.hearttogrow.org, a non-profit I’m contracted to work with. They offer a plethora of resources including “Ask a Question,” where trained experts in sexual health will answer or direct to resources anyone who has a question. It’s completely anonymous and free.

I pray that no one has to endure any form of trauma. Unfortunately though, sexual violence is rampant, and Muslims are not excluded. The least we can do is educate ourselves, and communities play a role in ensuring that members receive credible information – not only about sexual violence, but any and all forms of abuse. Just as communities focus on religious education, so too should they focus on social and health related education.

originally published on http://muslimsistah-sq.blogspot.com/

The Serious Implications for Denying Muslim Youth Sex Education

January 14, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

by Nadiah Mohajir

In her guest blog piece, Sobia Ali-Faisal boldly claimed that Muslim youth need sex education. Why? Because Muslim youth are having sex. According to her research more than half of those she surveyed reported having sex before marriage. The Family & Youth Institute has found similar percentages, with 53.8% of never-married Muslim college students reported having sex.

The data is loud and clear. It’s time for us to make a serious commitment to offering Muslim youth sex education programming that addresses their needs. Muslim girls and boys are expected to abstain from premarital sex and alcohol and substance consumption, without any additional context or preparing them with decision-making skills. In other words, there is often no emphasis on developing critical thinking and decision-making skills or a healthy self-concept in relation to the body, sexuality, and spirituality. Outside of the home, in addition to their natural curiosity, these same young people are constantly bombarded with sexual images, peer pressure, and messages encouraging them to have sex, and actively partake in romantic relationships.

These cultural factors are unavoidable, but when we avoid having conversations about sexuality, young people will go elsewhere to find out about sexual health. The idea that talking about sexuality or body literacy is immodest or that it should take place only between married couples leads young men and women to find out about sexuality from friends, magazines, online, or even pornography. Instead, we should create safe, culturally sensitive spaces for young people of faith to ask questions and get information that is consistent with their beliefs. We are pleased to introduce to you our latest guide, “Let’s Talk about Sex: A Muslim Parent’s Guide to Having “the Talk” with their Kids,” a resource for parents who want to begin these important conversations with their children. A must read for all parents, this guide offers the latest research, background information, tips, conversation starters, and even scripts that parents can use when bringing up these sensitive topics with their kids. Below, I address some concerns and FAQs that I have received from parents about letting their kids have access to sex education and why this guide will be so useful to them as they think about this next phase of their child’s life.

But doesn’t sex education encourage teens to have sex and be promiscuous?

There is a common misunderstood notion that teaching youth about sexuality, in a comprehensive way that includes information on contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and pregnancy may lead to increased promiscuity and premature sexual activity. Research actually shows the opposite. A 2010 Guttmacher Policy Review states that there is no evidence that comprehensive sex education programs lead to increased rates of sexual activity and earlier initiation. Rather, it may have the opposite effect: empowering young people with the tools to delay sex and make more informed decisions. Perhaps the most compelling reasons for parents to talk to their kids about sex is that it is actually protective in nature. Recent research shows that parents have a great influence on their teens’ sexual behaviors when they talk to their teens about sex: teens are more likely to use condoms and birth control when they have sex. Additionally, other studies indicate that children who are comfortable talking about sex are actually more likely to delay sexual activity and be older when they first have intercourse. In fact, a 2012 survey by the Office of Adolescent Health at the Department of Health and Human Services indicated that “almost 9 in 10 teens (87) said that it would be much easier to postpone sexual activity and avoid pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents.”

What about current sex education programs? Aren’t those enough?

Current efforts in sex education are missing the mark. A 2004 study indicates that Muslim youth feel frustrated with sex education programming at public schools because it does not take into account their cultural and religious worldview, and instead speaks to students as if sexual activity is predetermined. At the same time, they expressed religious programming does the exact opposite: it assumes that information about sex and sexuality is not relevant to youth because sexual activity shouldn’t be taking place anyway.  As such, typically programming at religious institutions exclude a great deal of important information – both on anatomy and other aspects of sexual relationships. For example, the programming barely focus on topics such as pregnancy, sexually-transmitted infections (STIs), self-esteem, healthy relationships, and decision-making.

But I don’t want the school to teach my kid values and morality about sex.

Most school-based programs are not values-based. They may cover topics such as masturbation, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT), and premarital sex that often causes many religious and conservative parents discomfort. Despite parents’ beliefs otherwise, however, these topics are objectively and to facilitate inclusivity and tolerance. As such, because of the sheer diversity of racial, ethnic and religious background in schools, values and morality about sex and sexuality are not usually taught within the school sex education program. If these are important conversations for parents to have, which they should be, it is encouraged to continue the conversation at home.

What happens if youth do not get sex education?

A limited focus on sexual education is disconcerting from both a public health and faith-based perspective: Muslim youth are left unprepared to deal with issues of reproductive and sexual health, and consequently, may:

Be unprepared for the major changes their bodies are undergoing, which can lead to confusion, curiosity and/or exploration;
Be unequipped to make informed decisions without better understanding of sexual health, sexual experimentation, and its consequences;
Seek out (mis)information in pornographic magazines, internet sites, and erotic visual programs, or to rely on information picked up from peers at school or work, or from obscene jokes, ultimately perpetuating myths, misinformation, and misunderstandings as well as unhealthy attitudes toward gender and sexuality;
Rely on debunked cultural traditions, myths, and practices;
Be unequipped to identify abuse and how to seek help;
have unhealthy sex in life/marriage; and
Giving in to pressures to engage in sexual activity in order to fit in, even if one is not ready.

The lack of open dialogue and education about sexual health in the Muslim community leads to negative health outcomes, sexual experimentation, sexual violence and marital challenges in the community. If young people are not informed about their bodies and healthy relationships, they are not equipped to identify sexual health problems or when they are being abused,  and they don’t know where to get help.

But I’m still not comfortable with the school teaching my kid this information. I want to teach him/her myself. Is this possible?

Parents should absolutely be involved in their children’s sex education. Most schools have parent sessions before beginning the unit so that parents can be familiar with what their child will be learning. Additionally, because of time constraints, schools may not have enough time to cover important topics such as peer pressure, decision-making, values, and ethics. They may simply introduce these topics. This is the perfect opportunity for parents to continue the conversation and talk about expectations, decision making, values and peer pressure.

While parents can absolutely opt-out of school-based sex education programs and replace that education with their own information, it is something that we do not recommend. The reality is many parents don’t have the adequate resources to do so: they may not have a solid, accurate foundation of sexual health information themselves, or they may not have the time or training to navigate the difficult and sensitive topics our youth are dealing with today. The ideal sex education program is that which students attend through school, and continue that education at home with their parents. This will ensure that they are getting the solid foundation of accurate sexual health information they need, as well as the opportunity to relate that information to their specific cultural and religious context.

Sex education for ALL Muslim youth is long overdue. There are many great programs already out there, so we do not have to reinvent the wheel. We just have use those programs as a foundation to create something that fits the needs of our diverse community. Additionally, there is no time like the present to begin these conversations at home, and we hope that you find our parent’s guide useful in guiding that discussion.

The Heart Team

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