The Heart Team

The Problem with “Boys Will be Boys”

October 11, 2015 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

Everyday Messages that Excuse Bad Behavior and Promote Rape Culture and What we Can do About it

by Nadiah Mohajir

In the last week, I have had two parents reach out to me about incidents at their childrens’ schools. Both were young girls not even yet in upper elementary school, at two different schools, yet both situations were eerily similar. In the case of one girl, the male classmate made a series of extremely graphic comments to her. The other girl had the unfortunate experience of her male classmate poking her repeatedly in her private parts.

Both of these girls are blessed with incredible proactive and concerned parents and teachers, who did all the right things by informing the right people and are looking into effective disciplinary action. In the case of both boys, their parents’ response was less than ideal. In one case, the mother wasn’t able to attend a meeting with school officials with the level of urgency she should have given the situation. In the case of the other, the parent’s justified their son’s behavior as “bratty behavior” and “he didn’t mean it THAT way”

The frequency with which these incidents are happening, and with such young children, has a number of considerations. First, our tendency in society is to take a “boys will be boys” attitude, which has normalized violence against women and girls. Second, how we (as parents, as administrators, etc) respond to such situations can inform future attitudes and behaviors. Finally, we must start and continue to have conversations with our children of all ages about sexual abuse, about consent, about boundaries. Both about how we should protect ourselves, but more importantly, about how we have a responsibility to respect other people’s boundaries.

The fact that this messaging is all around us, in the media, on the radio, and even on the clothing we buy our children makes it a much harder battle to fight. For example, among the many options for full sleeve graphic t-shirts for boys OldNavy.com, was one with the age-old idiom “boys will be boys.” For me, this was a demonstration of how subtly interwoven gender stereotypes and rape culture is in our society: not only is this a commonly used phrase in every day language, but cute marketing and product placement strengthen this messaging by reinforcing and normalizing it.

Before I continue to talk about why I find this messaging so problematic, let’s first talk about how its typically used. The proverb is generally to refer to the idea that boys are expected to be irresponsible or boisterous. So consider the following examples:

You host a playdate for your son and two of his male friends. After a couple of hours of playing in the basement, you discover the room to be a mess and several toys to be broken. The other parents laugh it off and shrug “After all, boys will be boys”
A teen girl suffers from being harassed at school. Often, boys catcall and whistle at her when she walks by. She complains to her neighbor, who shrugs her shoulder advising her to “lighten up. They’re just hormonal boys. Boys will be boys.”
Your daughter is quietly playing in the sandbox at a birthday party when her cousin charges into the yard and dumps a bucket of water on her, causing her to be greatly upset. You and your sister, the boy’s mother, try to calm her down, and your sister, with the best of intentions, explains “I’m so sorry sweetheart. He’s just, you know…being a boy. They’re just like that.”

There are countless more examples of how this idiom is used on a daily basis. The above examples likely sounded familiar to you and I encourage you to continue to think of how this idiom has been used either by you or in your presence in the past. So why is this messaging so problematic? How does it subtly contribute to gender stereotypes and rape culture?

“Boys will be boys” assumes that being born male predisposes one to irresponsible or inappropriate behavior. This attitude sends the message that boys are almost expected to mess up, behave irresponsibly, or worse, aggressively. While boys may have a greater likelihood of preferring certain types of physical and active play, there is absolutely no research that shows that correlated to a greater likelihood of exhibiting aggression, cruelty towards others, or any other inappropriate behavior. By continuing to reinforce this idea, we are indirectly contributing to this misinformed belief that boys are expected to behave a certain way. In addition, as Dr. Meyer explains in this article, the expression actually “attempts to explain away aggressive behaviors that a small number of children exhibit by linking it with ‘natural’ or ‘biological’ impulses, without examining other reasons for the aggression.” The result is that we often end up ignoring other factors such as environmental, social and individual factors that are likely contributing to the aggressive behavior.
It essentially excuses boys from behaving badly or hurting others and does not teach accountability, but rather, removes responsibility. Approaching normal, common situations such as the ones described above with a “boys will be boys attitude” excuses boys from behaving badly or hurting others and removes accountability. Boys are no longer expected to take true responsibility for their behaviors because such behavior is expected from them. If boys hear this messaging from a very young age, they may become accustomed to not being responsible for their bad behavior. Not only does this build bad lifelong habits where one is used to not taking ownership for any actions, it also promotes violence, especially against women. If boys are meant to be aggressive and physical, then it is okay to express their emotions in a very physical and aggressive way, and not have to answer for it, because “boys will be boys.”
It reinforces gender stereotypes. Because this phrase generally sets the expectation for boys to behave a certain way, it reinforces gender stereotypes by allowing people to internalize these attitudes which ultimately shape the way people interact with each other. Girls who behave similarly are seen as “aggressive” while boys are just behaving like boys. Moreover, it also promotes gender inequality when referencing domestic expectations. A boy who chooses not to complete his chores of washing the dishes may be excused by “boys will be boys” while girls would generally not be given the same leeway.

Not pushing back on this messaging – whether by challenging media and marketing, or by challenging the way the above-mentioned situations are handled in real situations such as at school – has dire consequences and creates an environment that ultimately is ripe for violence against women.

So what can we start doing to change the status quo?

Respond with an expectation of accountability. When a child or young person behaves inappropriately – with aggression, or cruelty or the like – we should respond in a way that says this is not ok, and we expect better from you. Not addressing such behavior creates a culture that lacks accountability and dismisses bad behavior based solely on gender. In the most extreme circumstances, it is this very attitude that facilitates an environment that is ripe for abuse, and for such behavior to be shoved under the rug. Of course, the course of action is dependent on each unique situation, and certain disciplinary approaches may be effective in one situation but completely irrelevant in another.
Stop making excuses. We have to stop making excuses for misogyny just because there aren’t any other alternatives. There aren’t any alternatives because we just haven’t worked to commit to implementing them yet. Developing long term, effective strategies to combat rape culture and violence against women requires an interdisciplinary approach. For example, to address school-based incidents, it would be important to bring together sexual violence experts, educators, administrators, and parents to work toward a strategy that makes sense for all.
Teach your children about consent and boundaries. Start these conversations as early as the age of 3 and take advantage of teaching moments. Honor your child’s wishes if he/she does not want to kiss or hug a relative. At the same time, teach your child to ask for permission before hugging or rough-housing with a peer, and to respect them when/if they say no. For a more detailed discussion on how to have age-appropriate conversations with your children, please refer to this parent’s guide.

It is our collective responsibility to work toward making this change. Our children deserve better. Our communities deserve better. We can no longer can afford to keep dismissing these attitudes and behaviors simply because it’s easier and seems effective in the short term. As Jennifer Hicks, parenting blog author said, “We have to replace ‘boys will be boys’ with a much more acceptable idea: Boys will be what we expect them to be.”

I Made Tawba, Now Get Over it

September 1, 2015 by The Heart Team 3 Comments

Reflections on Culpability, Forgiveness, and Mercy

By Ustadha Zaynab Ansari

In March 2015, Imam Mohammad Abdullah Saleem, founder of the Institute of Islamic Education (IIE) in Elgin, IL, was indicted on charges of criminal sexual abuse stemming from a series of encounters between the religious teacher and an administrative assistant employed at the school. While the woman who initially brought charges is an adult (in her early 20s), other victims came forward with allegations of abuse reaching back over decades.

In the wake of Maulana Saleem’s arrest, the Muslim communities of the greater Chicago area—understandably shocked at the allegations—offered up a range of responses. HEART Women & Girls, a nonprofit that advocates for sexual health awareness in faith-based communities, published a strongly-worded statement calling for justice for Saleem’s victims and swift action to move the case forward.

Other Muslim-led organizations in Chicago, however, put out statements that attempted to find a compromise between public censure of Saleem and silence toward his victims. Puzzlingly, the statements invoked the concept of adultery, which, in my view, was a distraction from the original issue: that a prominent religious leader allegedly used his position to victimize an unsuspecting woman and children. While all of the above statements were unanimous in their recognition that sexual abuse is prohibited in Islam, the different responses highlighted the tensions inherent in the various approaches embraced by Muslim leaders in Chicago and beyond. Sherman A. Jackson, a nationally-renowned scholar, elaborated on these tensions in an article published for the ALIM Institute, wherein he reminded readers that the accused reserves the right to make tawba (repent) for his actions.

In writing this reflection for the HEART Women & Girls blog, I would like to explore the notion of tawba further. Specifically, I would like to consider whether the act of tawba absolves one of his or her responsibility to submit to the legal process, reckon with the victims’ stories, and acknowledge the harm done by one’s actions. In other words, does tawba exonerate the (alleged) abuser from additional culpability toward his or her victims? And does tawba also require a reciprocal effort from the victims to forgive their victimizer? In other words, can the victims be compelled to forgive their abuser, drop charges, and “move on” because he or she repented?

Before I consider these questions, I would like to define the concept of tawba. Per classical Islamic manuals like Reliance of the Traveller, when a human commits a sin, that sin can be categorized as major or minor. The latter category of sins can be expiated by acts of worship, such as praying and fasting. The former category—major sins—can only be expiated by performing tawba, a process of atonement in which the penitent recognizes the sinful nature of his or her act, feels remorse, and resolves not to repeat the act. Additionally, if the act involved the violation of someone else’s rights, the performer of tawba must attempt to restore the victim’s rights. Furthermore, some scholars mention that if the act was tied to a specific environment, the penitent must take measures to change his or her environment.

While Saleem certainly reserves the right to make tawba—in fact, given the nature of the accusations, he is required to make tawba—does his repentance remove additional responsibility toward the accusers? I would argue, no. Tawba is a private spiritual act intended to make things right with God. The performance of tawba, however, does not remove one’s responsibility toward those who suffered as a result of one’s actions. For example, when I wrote about the issue of “blurred lines” between religious teachers and their students and the culture of celebrity we have built up around some of our scholars, someone contacted me with the critique that I had disregarded the role of tawba when I took my position. On the contrary, I do not discount the necessity or benefit of tawba for those who have committed wrongdoing; in fact, it should be part of their rehabilitation process. However, the possibility of their tawba does not preclude the community from addressing the fallout of their actions.

One of the hadiths that was most frequently cited in the wake of the IIE scandal was the hadith of “amr bil ma’ruf wal nahy ‘an al-munkar,” or enjoining the right and forbidding the wrong. In this hadith, the Prophet, God bless him and give him peace, exhorts the Muslim community to confront wrongdoing in one of three ways: changing it with one’s hand, or with one’s tongue, or with one’s heart, the latter being the “weakest in faith.” What this means is that we have an obligation to confront wrongdoing with direct action, and, in the event such action is impossible, then at least speak out. If saying something is not an option, the least we can do is detest wrongdoing in our hearts. Lest we think these measures only apply to those witnessing abuse, they also apply to the abuser. God the Exalted says in the Qur’an, “Believers, turn to God in sincere repentance. Your Lord may well cancel your bad deeds for you and admit you into Gardens graced with flowing streams, on a Day when God will not disgrace the Prophet or those who have believed with him” (Al-Tahrim, 66:8).

The term used in the above verse, nasuh, is reminiscent of a word in another hadith: Religion is nasiha. In the Qur’an, Allah calls upon the believers to turn to Him, making their repentance sincere. In the hadith, the Prophet, peace be upon him, links the practice of good counsel, or nasiha, to religion itself. In other words, there is a dialectic between community members and leaders, a mutual process of taking ourselves to account, and requiring those in authority to uphold certain standards of conduct. In this reciprocal relationship, we expect that those who commit wrong will sincerely repent, but we also reserve the right to advise them about their conduct. Returning to the responsibility of the abuser, he or she, after making tawba, is also required to enjoin the right and forbid the wrong per the Prophet’s directive. The abuser must take direct action to stop the abuse, acknowledge the nature of his or her actions, and despise those actions on a spiritual and intellectual level. Once this multilateral approach to wrongdoing is initiated, the healing process can begin. However, there must be recognition that the victims have the right to decide when—and if—they will forgive. In the case of the plaintiffs in the Saleem case, the majority of them have carried the scars of abuse for decades. It is not appropriate for the community (or the alleged abuser and his supporters) to demand that the victims simply forgive and forget. The victims must be given the space to determine what constitutes proper justice in their case.

In the Qur’an, we read, “God commands you to return things entrusted to you to their rightful owners, and, if you judge between people, to do so with justice” (Al-Nisa, 4:58). If the restoration of trust is an imperative of justice, what then of the betrayal of the ultimate trust—the safety, sanctity, and inviolability of our children, under the guise of teaching them the word of God, no less! Yes, tawba is important, but so is the right of the plaintiffs to seek justice, speak out, and, I pray, have something of what was taken from them restored. And God knows best.

Introducing #TheFirstTime

July 27, 2015 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

Be a part of our crowdsourced project #TheFirstTime, a platform to anonymously ask your most pressing questions about sex:

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/M75HRBJ

For the last five years, HEART has been creating safe spaces, free of blame and shame, for women and girls to speak openly and learn about sexual health and connect them to the resources they need to feel empowered. All too often, we have heard stories of women struggling with intimacy, and with questions about contraception, medical conditions, and relationships but with no space to seek answers.

We’re here to change that. Sexuality is a normal and healthy part of life, and no one should feel like they have to guess their way through life: there are resources to help, and we want to provide you with ways to access such information in a way that is safe, and free of blame and shame.

And so, we are thrilled to partner with LoveInshallah on an exciting projected called #TheFirstTime, which you can read more about below and on their blog announcing this project.

*****************

When we started Loveinshallah.com three years ago, we were inundated with questions from our readers about love, sex, and relationships – issues covered in our book, Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women. We realized that, for many of us, there isn’t a safe space to voice our most intimate concerns without fear of shame, humiliation, or judgment.

Recognizing that we all have questions – but not all of us have someone to turn to for answers – we launched an advice column. We enlisted the help of two thoughtful and wise friends – Miss Sunshine and Shy Desi Boy – who, over the years, have answered our readers’ burning questions about love and sex and everything in between.

Two years ago, our columnists answered a question from a young man who was “Clueless About [His] Wedding Night.” He wrote that he was at a loss as to what he should do once he and his wife were alone, but had no one he could turn to for advice. Our columnists answered his question with grace and honesty.

Since then, “Clueless About My Wedding Night” has become the single most viewed post on LoveInshAllah.com. It’s clear from the way in which this column has gone viral that there are many others out there who are also looking for answers about having sex for the first time.

We want to help.

Today marks the launch of our newest project, #TheFirstTime, an attempt to make sure you’re not clueless on your wedding night. We want to know: what questions do you have (or did you have) about having sex for the first time? What advice would you give your best friend on his/her wedding night? And, what resources do you wish you had before you had sex for the first time?

This is a crowd-sourced project so we need your help to complete this survey. This is an anonymous survey and we do not want identifying information.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/M75HRBJ

We are excited to partner with HEART Women & Girls, a non-profit organization that seeks to promote the reproductive health and mental well-being of faith-based communities.

For more information, please contact us at advice@loveinshallah.com

Be Careful What you Ask: Ramadan & Periods

June 25, 2015 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

previously published on Muslimah Media Watch

by Rana S.

I no longer feel awkward saying it out loud – some may think I’m too blunt about it. You know, like, about my period.

Menstruation is one of the factors that nullify a person’s fast (regardless if it is during the month of Ramadan or not) – it automatically “breaks” it. Every Ramadan, I get asked by at least a few people I know (and a few strangers have asked as well) about why I’m not fasting whenever I get “caught” eating or drinking a beverage. I would also get teased with “Ha! You’re cheating!” or “I caught you red-handed!” I suppose some people feel obliged to say something due to the fact that I do wear the hijab, and thus it is assumed I am also the Ramadan fasting type. Sometimes these are people that I have already told that I fast during Ramadan, but then they suddenly see me “breaking” it.

During my high school and college years, I felt awkward confessing to guys that I was on my period. I would reply vaguely with something along the lines of “well, you know, there are circumstances in which Islam prohibits fasting, and I’m in one of those situations.” Some of the guys would look confused and simply reply with “Oh…okay.” If they inquired further, I would then explain that a person may break his/her fast for health reasons. I would lie that I had a health issue, but never say what that health issue was – I’d basically hint that I did not want to discuss the matter any further.

That changed seven years ago. I was on the metro drinking an iced cappuccino on a Ramadan day, when a Muslim guy I knew got on. When he spotted me, he walked over and said hi. Then he stared at the iced cappuccino in my hands. “Oh, you’re not fasting?” he asked casually.

“Not today…”

“I guess you don’t feel like fasting today?”

“It’s not that. I just can’t.”

“Why?”

“You do realize that there are exceptions to the fasting rule?”

“Well I know illness is one of them. Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine…”

“Then how you come you just can’t?”

“Um, I’m a woman?”

“Huh?”

“You do know, right, that the rules of fasting differ for women?”

“Really?”

“Yes…”

“Like what?”

“Like, a woman’s period. It nullifies the fast. And yes, I’m on my period. ”

“Oh…I didn’t know that.”

[silence]

“I honestly didn’t know that…”

The incident with the Muslim guy was my trigger of change. The fact that even some Muslim guys either don’t know or forget that anyone menstruating is exempt from fasting (an ignorance largely due to the taboo of “exposing” men to it) is simply…not right. To be fair, the metro guy wasn’t the only Muslim guy who asked – but he was the only one who kept asking to the point where I confessed that I was on my period.

The metro incident made me realize that the taboo of talking about menstruation or admitting that one is on her period to guys – even when it would be for educational purposes (as in the case of Ramadan) – was only because patriarchal societies devalue and censor women’s bodies whereby only some aspects are fully acknowledged while others are taboos. Menstruation is a defining symbol of womanhood for many women. It is human – yet I have always felt that I should be as secretive about it as possible, to the point as if it does not exist. I did not want to hide that unnecessarily anymore.

I have some Muslim girlfriends who would still prefer lying to guys during Ramadan than confess their menstruation status. A few even go as far as only abstaining from food and beverages in public so as to not be “caught.” A few others abstain from food and beverages only whenever they are at home, so as to fool their fathers and brothers. The taboo nature of periods, and the extent to which some Muslim women will go to hide it, is perhaps why some Muslim guys either don’t know or forget.

Fast forward six years later. I spent the next six Ramadans bluntly telling anyone who asked, man or woman, that I was on my period whenever I got “caught.” With guys, it always occurred on a one-to-one basis. That changed one day in Ramadan 2014. I was at work, and it happened to be an employee’s birthday. After the birthday cake was divided unto plates, I casually picked one up. One of male co-workers asked, while the kitchen was still crowded with all employees, “hey, how come you’re not fasting? I thought you were really into that.” All eyes turned towards me. I looked around the kitchen, then responded with “Okay, now that I have your utmost attention, I want to say: I’m on my period. I can’t fast when I’m on my period.” One of my other male co-workers laughed and said “Oh yeah! I remember last Ramadan when you told me. I knew when it started and ended!” The conversation ended thanks to a third male co-worker who cautiously said “Okay…this is getting awkward. Can we change the conversation?”

The work incident still makes me laugh. It also made me realize that I no longer feel awkward about explaining my period status during Ramadan to men, regardless of who they are or how many men are in the same room as me.

Just for the record, not every Muslim breaks his/her fast due to exceptions to the fasting rule. There are Muslims that don’t fast simply because they don’t want to. Others choose to fast on only some Ramadan days, but not all. Then there are those that were obliged to break their fast for a number of days, but don’t make up for them before the next Ramadan – or not do them at all. Fasting is a spiritual journey – not everyone is on the same pace with it.

I procrastinate horribly when it comes to making up my period days. Every year I get lectured by my mom about why I fast them anywhere between one to four weeks before Ramadan – especially since Ramadan these past few years has been in the summer, and thus the days are long. I half-heartedly convince myself that at least I’m preparing myself for Ramadan. That’s still smart, right?…Right?

Muslim girls: Take advantage of your period days in Ramadan. Organize an outing that involves food nearly every day before you return to your fasting routine. You should especially do this with other Muslim girls that are on their period. You deserve a break! How about even a dance party? Call it “The Period Party” and invite all your menstruating Muslim friends. That is, if you don’t think it sounds too cheesy. I have yet to try this. Or how about even a one week trip to somewhere around the world? You know like, during your period days.

Will I have any period stories this Ramadan? I probably will. Since I was 14, I’ve never fasted a whole Ramadan (one month) without getting my period and without getting “caught”!

Happy Ramadan and Happy Break-Fasting!

On Caitlyn Jenner, Faith & Community Responsbility

June 4, 2015 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

by Nadiah Mohajir

I’m seeing a lot of conversation since Caitlyn Jenner’s transition, in particular in faith communities and what “the faith has to say about it.” Let me first put it out there: I am no expert on transgender issues – movement wise or faith wise. So I speak to you as a community member.

I have been in a number of spaces with the LGBT community because of the work I do. While I don’t have all the answers about what the faith says about these issues, I do know this: this is a very real issue. Their struggles are very, very real and painful. Furthermore, most of the time, they are just the same as their heterosexual, cisgender peers – they are good, honest people just wanting to make a space for themselves. Many of them yearn for a spiritual space, a community of people that they feel at home with, that shares their faith and love for God and His message, and people that they can count on to support them in their time of need, because you better believe they will return the favor.

Yet, what I’m seeing is this repeated rhetoric – from religious leaders as well as mainstream muslims – that this is unnatural, immoral, and should not be condoned. We practically criminalize this community of people for simply existing – and are very quick to do it. At the same time, we hesitate to criminalize those who should be criminalized – those abuse their power, who beat their wives and children, who sexually violate others, including and especially, children. Frankly, I can’t wrap my head around why that’s ok.

Regardless of what one feels and believes about LGBT people, as everyone is of course entitled to their own opinion and beliefs, I don’t understand why we have to speak in a way that clearly shuts them out, alienates them, pushes them further away. Believe in your heart what you want – but know that your words are extremely powerful and may have the impact on an individual’s emotional and mental well being: they might be in so much pain that they might leave their faith entirely. Or they might take their own life. That, is something we all are responsible for.

This is a reminder that we need to think about the spaces we are creating: Are they inclusive enough? Are they safe? Are they welcoming? If not, how can we work toward achieving a safer space? One where, though people may not agree with each other on certain issues, they recognize each other’s humanity and give them respect and integrity they each deserve.

I’ll say it again: this is a reality and their pain and struggle is very real. This is just one story of a transgender teen in California who just took his life. The poem he wrote that his mother shares in the end is just haunting. I’ve pasted it below as well.

My mirror does not define me:
Not the stranger that looks back at me
Not the smooth face that belongs to someone else
Not the eyes that gleam with sadness

When I look for him and can only see her.
My body does not define me:
Not the slim shoulders that will not change
Not the hips that give me away
Not the chest I can’t stand to look at

When I look for him and can only see her.
My clothes do not define me:
Not the shirt and the jeans
That would look so perfect on him
But that I know would never fit me

When I look for him and can only find her.
And I’ve been looking for him for years,
But I seem to grow farther away from him
With each passing day.
He’s trapped inside this body,

Wrapped in society’s chains
That keep him from escaping.
But one day I will break those chains.

One day I will set him free.
And I’ll finally look in the mirror
And see me–
The boy I was always meant to be.

– Kyler Prescott

Muslim Matters: Celebrity Shaykhs & Spiritual Abuse

May 28, 2015 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

originally posted on muslimmatters.org

by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari

“You who believe, uphold justice and bear witness to God, even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or your close relatives. Whether the person is rich or poor, God can best take care of both. Refrain from following your own desire, so that you can act justly–if you distort or neglect justice, God is fully aware of what you do.” (The Qur’an, 4:135)

The Prophet Muhammad, God bless and grant his peace, said, “Religion is good counsel. We [Sahaba] asked, ‘To whom?’ He, peace be upon him, replied, ‘To Allah and His Book, and His messenger, and to the leaders of the Muslims and the masses.’” (Muslim)

“It is said that a man from the Children of Israel acquired much knowledge from books that would fill up eighty vaults. But that knowledge was of no benefit to him. Allah, the Exalted, revealed to the prophet of that time to tell that person, ‘Even if you were study more books to further your knowledge that would still be of no benefit to you as you do not act upon three things: (1) do not fall in love with this world for this world is not the permanent abode for the faithful believers (lit.mu’minin), (2) do not befriend Satan for he is not a friend of the faithful believers, and (3) do not trouble any of Allah’s creation because such is not the nature of any faithful believer.’” [1]

Disclaimer: The following article represents my views and my views alone. None of what follows should be attributed to the people or organizations with whom I currently work or with whom I have worked in the past. While names and identifying information have been left out, the following accounts are based on verifiable events.

While I welcome comments and questions on this subject, I will not respond to speculation about the identities of the individuals involved in these scenarios. This essay is also not about any particular approach to Islam, school of thought, or minhaj. It is about human behavior.

In the Name of God, the Lord of Mercy, the Giver of Mercy[2]

People are often curious about my role as a female teacher and speaker in the male-dominated field of “traditional Islam.” [3] “What does a woman scholar-in-residence do?” I am often asked. To the non-Muslim questioner, my role is seen as a bit of a curiosity, especially given the stock, standard media image of the oppressed Muslim woman. To the Muslim questioner, the question goes deeper. For some women, I am a potential role model for their daughters and a mentor to them. For some men, I represent the rare woman in the circles associated with traditional Islam who is willing to speak in public. I am simultaneously called upon to speak for the women in the audience, while defending the Shar’i (Islamic legal) basis for my presence on stage. Event organizers, typically quite gracious, believe that I contribute to the diverse perspectives they hope to offer to audience members. Often the only woman in a lineup that is otherwise exclusively male, I represent, supposedly, a continuation of the tradition of the scholarly Muslim woman.

At first glance, it may appear as if I am successfully negotiating the gender politics of the American Muslim conference. It is really offstage, however, that the tensions between my public role and private reality collide. While I enjoy learning from and interacting with the teachers, callers, andShuyukh who attend the conferences, events, and retreats that constitute the American Islamic socio-intellectual scene, I have experienced moments that have given me pause. These are the moments in which the lines between the public world of the “celebrity” Shaykh and his private life become blurred, and the women who inhabit both worlds reach out to me for clarity.

When I first started writing Islamic advice columns, I was completely unprepared for the deluge of questions I would receive from men and women around the world. A laid back former colleague told me the job would not be difficult. “You’ll just be the Muslim version of Dear Abby,” he chuckled. Unless Abby has started fielding questions on Shari’ah law, however, I have come to disagree with his assessment. Over the years, thousands of questions have poured in on every conceivable topic: theology, Qur’anic exegesis, hadith studies, human rights, environmentalism, disability, marriageand family law, sexuality, gender relations, Islamic ritual law, history, politics…the list goes on. I quickly realized that the Muslim (internet) public was consuming and demanding answers at a faster rate than I or any other writer could provide. Perhaps dissatisfied with the limitations of online Islamic answers and quasi-fatawa, prospective students of knowledge—which included women in large percentages—began signing up for classes with their favorite teachers and scholars. They also flocked to retreats, intensives, and conferences, looking for the personal connection that was missing from online forums.

This combination of electronic delivery of Islamic content and personal interaction with scholars and teachers at onsite venues has led to a revolution in “classical” Islamic learning. [4] Suddenly, students did not have to spend thousands of dollars and experience the culture shock of living overseas. They could access sacred texts from the comfort of their home computers—and, increasingly, their smartphones—and even communicate with the teacher in real time using Skype, chat, and other instant messaging applications. In an instant, the distance between student and teacher shrank and the boundaries of decorum that circumscribed the public interactions of males and females shifted and relaxed. The blurring of lines sparked by this technological revolution has resulted in the creation of fan pages for ‘ulama, “friending” unrelated men and women on Facebook, following favorite teacher profiles on social media, and casually messaging heretofore inaccessible people at all times of day and night.

Adab on the Internet

From the perspective of the democratization of Islamic knowledge, the above developments might appear promising. However, from the perspective of adab (etiquette), the “formality between men and women” so keenly articulated by a prominent woman scholar; the integrity of the knowledge itself and its purveyors; and the safety of the family structure; the above developments are alarming.[5] Before I discuss why I find this trend disturbing, let me say a word about the “celebrity” Shaykh. Lest anyone think I am being dismissive toward our ‘ulama, I am not. I do not believe teachers, scholars, and speakers set out to become famous. I pray that all of us serving in a public capacity read and reread imam Al-Ghazali’s (God rest his soul and sanctify his secret) warning to teachers of sacred knowledge, particularly regarding their susceptibility to arrogance, showing off, and amassing followers. I believe the celebrity Shaykh is a victim of his own success, a product of the techno-obsessed culture that dictates that every ‘alim, school, and institution market its “authentic,” “classical” and “traditional” Islamic “products and services” or perish. Moreover, the celebrity Shaykh has become enthroned on a pedestal, the pedestal of unimpeachable piety and character, the pedestal of “see no wrong, do no wrong,” in which we, the adoring students, have cast this very fallible human being as larger than life.

We are doing ourselves and our teachers a tremendous disservice when we elevate them beyond human frailties. Our ‘ulama, teachers, and Mashayikh are not perfect. They are flawed human beings, with the same weaknesses, shortcomings, and challenges with which we struggle. The only perfected human being was the Prophet Muhammad, God bless him and give him peace. And if we read his biography, we realize that even he, peace be upon him, his wives, companions, and associates had to deal with real human problems. So why do we try to ascribe perfection to our teachers and scholars today? It is natural to feel affection for the person who guides and directs us, but are we helping our religious leaders when we declare them beyond reproach?

I contend that we have created a toxic environment for our religious leaders: an environment in which the proper boundaries between student and teacher have become blurred, an environment in which misuse of power is rife, and an environment in which women, in particular, are subject to deception and spiritual abuse. I raise this issue, not to cause dissension (fitna) in the ranks of the Muslims, but to warn our leaders, our elders, and our masses that we have to address this social ill before we lose all credibility when it comes to the Qur’anic injunction to the

“[Believers], you are the best community singled out for people: you order what is right, forbid what is wrong, and believe in God.” (The Qur’an, 3:110).

Adding Up Islam in Public and Private

Our leaders, particularly those who claim to be spiritual guides, must practice what they preach. Our ‘ulama are not politicians, for whom a wide disparity between public image and private conduct is expected. Yes our ‘ulama are fallible, but they have a responsibility to recognize the tensions inherent in their roles, the pitfalls of the celebrity Shaykh culture, and the integrity of the positions they hold. How can our leaders recite platitudes about women’s empowerment and status in Islam publicly, while privately undermining those very rights they claim to cherish? How is it acceptable to publicly proclaim respect for women, while privately deeming them little more than sexual conquests?

It has recently come to my attention that there are well-known individuals who are using their platforms for more than the dissemination of Islamic teachings. There is evidence demonstrating that these individuals are using their positions in circles of sacred learning to groom, recruit, and entice female followers with promises of marriage, access to Shuyukh, study abroad opportunities, and entrée to exclusive socio-spiritual networks. Under the guise of mentoring, these individuals areengaging in private, unsupervised conversations with marriageable members of the opposite sex. These conversations, carried out in the relative anonymity of cyberspace, appear to run the gamut from fairly innocuous exchanges of biographical information (à la pen pals in the pre-computer era) to material that is merely suggestive to thoughts and sentiments that are wildly inappropriate. For those who want to make the excuse that the conversations are a prelude to marriage, I would merely remind them that the individuals involved in this scenario are teachers of Islamic law and, hence, know full well that there are rules surrounding courtship in Islam. I would also point out that when said teacher is engaging in conversations with multiple women at the same time, we also have a math problem. Islamic law only allows a man to marry four wives, so if the already-married teacher is “courting” multiple women at once, only a certain percentage can expect the relationship to become licit. What then of the remaining percentage? Again, a math problem.

One could make the excuse that our ‘ulama are not mathematicians. True, but surely they have some knowledge of Newtonian physics, “for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” After making the cold calculus of choosing and excluding whom to marry from their adoring students, these teachers may very well be able to move on, accepting the next exciting or lucrative speaking engagement. However, the women who were promised marriage and then jilted are having a more difficult time of it. It is not an easy thing to be played, particularly when the player is your favorite Shaykh. One can only imagine what these women’s perception of Islam has become, especially when the Shaykh was their Islam.

As a direct consequence of these individuals’ actions, women have become disillusioned, embittered, and depressed. Every time these individuals raise their voices up to proclaim their sincere love of the deen, these women’s hearts fall just a little more. The harm is even more egregious when these women are actually the ex-wives of Shuyukh. Typically, these women start out as eager students who strike up an online relationship with the Shaykh (or with whom the Shaykh initiates contact), which then descends into banter and flirtation, then promises of commitment, talk of marriage, etc. In some cases, the Shaykh proposes marriage, in other cases, it is the women. The common denominator though, in all situations, is the existence of the first wife. Her presence is often alluded to in online conversations, but her consent for the relationship is rarely sought. She is either said to be “okay with it,” or believed to be able to “deal with it.” In most cases, the first wife is not okay with it, nor is she able to deal with it. In fact, in most cases, the poor woman has no idea the other woman even exists, until it is too late.

Talaq by Text Message

Since the purpose of this essay is to draw attention to the plight of the “other woman,” I will not belabor the point about the first wife, except to say that when her husband’s dalliances and marriages are revealed, the trust between them is irreparably broken. If she is legally married (per the laws of the United States, for example), she may have some means of redress. However, the other woman has no such means. As the clandestine second (or third or fourth) wife of the Shaykh, she has no legal avenues through which to pursue her rights. Her Islamic nikah (marriage contract) is not enforceable, placing her in an extremely vulnerable position. It is a position no one’s daughter or sister should find herself in, but it is happening to good women from good families. As the secret second wife of the Shaykh, the poor woman receives no public recognition or respect. She cannot appear with him in gatherings. She cannot announce herself to the community. And she dare not contact his first wife and speak out lest she be accused of causing fitna. To add insult to injury, the Shaykh, who will not even deign to acknowledge the woman publicly, still retains conjugal access, enjoying all the pleasures of marriage without the responsibility, for, in many cases, he has not provided a marital home nor financial support to the secret second wife. To cap it all off, when he is done with the second wife, the marriage is ended without much ceremony, unless one deems talaqby text message ceremonious. Predictably, when the woman reacts badly, as anyone would under the circumstances, the Shaykh and his followers write her off as “unstable.” [6]

I will leave everyone with a few thoughts. What is a woman’s broken heart worth? What does a woman’s lost faith mean to us? What would the Prophet, God bless him and give him peace, who conducted his marriages with total transparency, think of us? Is it appropriate to use one’s access to knowledge and teachers as a lure for needy, vulnerable women? Is it fair to marry a woman in secret, knowing one lacks the means to support her? When a man marries behind his wife’s back, does he truly value the marriage bond? When individuals abuse their religious authority in this fashion, are they upholding the integrity of the tradition with which they have been entrusted? Is it not inconsistent to publicly lecture about modesty and the niqab (face veil) for women, yet let one’s guard down in private communication? We need to think very carefully about how we as teachers, scholars, Mashayikh, and students contribute to the blurred lines that have resulted in broken homes, broken hearts, and broken minds.

“By the declining day, man is [deep] in loss, except for those who believe, do good deeds, urge one another to the truth, and urge one another to steadfastness.” (The Qur’an, 103:1-3).

Shaykha Zaynab Ansari Abdul-Razacq is a native Southerner with Northern roots. She spent several years studying the core Islamic sciences, including Arabic, jurisprudence, Qur’anic recitation & commentary, Hadith, and Prophetic biography in Damascus, Syria at Abu Nour masjid’s college preparatory program. Currently, she is the scholar-in-residence at the Tayseer Foundation in Knoxville, TN.

[1] Ibn Hajar Al-Asqalani and Mawlana Muhammad Abdul Jabbar, tr. Habib Siddiqui, Al-Munabbihat: The Counsel (Kuala Lumpur: Islamic Book Trust, 2007), 17.

[2] This invocation and all translations of Qur’anic verses come from the M.A.S. Abdel Haleem Oxford World’s Classics Qur’an. The hadith translation is my own.

[3] I am enclosing this term in quotation marks given the fact that most observant Muslims would regard themselves as practitioners of a traditional Islam vs. a non-traditional Islam.

[4] Again, this term is enclosed in quotation marks given that there are a plethora of institutions embodying varying approaches to Islam that lay claim to this mantle. Again, this essay is not about any one particular approach or institution.

[5] See “Formality between men and women” at http://www.peacespective.org/formality/ (accessed May 7, 2015).

[6] All conversations enclosed in quotation marks are either paraphrased or quoted directly.

What does the Research Say? That Muslim Youth Need Sex Education

May 18, 2015 by The Heart Team 8 Comments

Exploring sexual experiences, shame, and access to sexual health information among Muslim Youth in Canada: A Research Study

We welcome guest writer and researcher Sobia Ali Faisal, who recently earned her doctoral degree from the University of Windsor. Her research is compelling and was recently turned into an info graphic. Below is a guest post where she succinctly explains what her research findings were and why it is so important for our communities to begin making a commitment to sex education for Muslim youth. We congratulate Sobia for such compelling research and look forward to more of her work in this field.

by Sobia Ali Faisal

Some of my research findings from my doctoral work were put into an infographic to make the results more accessible than they are right now in the huge dissertation document. It’s great to see the information get out there and be shared. Research on sex and Muslims in Canada and the US is virtually non-existent. People have had some questions on it so I thought I would explain my research a little (and save people having to read my entire dissertation). I’m hoping to get it published in the near future, insha’Allah, but some of this information is relevant right now. Although, the issue is not being covered in the media as much anymore, this is an issue that is and will be relevant for Muslims for a long time.

Muslim Youth Need Sex Education

Yes they do.Why? Because Muslim youth are having sex. I surveyed 403 Muslims in Canada and the US between the ages of 17 and 35. More than half (221) reported they had engaged in sex. I did not ask for any particular time frame. I was simply asking if they had ever had sex. Of those 221, two-thirds (148) said they had done so before marriage. Before anyone thinks that most of those 148 people were men, I found these proportions were the same for men and women – two-thirds of the women and two-thirds of the men had sex before marriage.

Even when looking at those who had not engaged in sex before marriage, half of those Muslims reported that they had considered doing so.

It’s clear that sex is relevant to Muslim youth. Previous research on the sexual education of Muslim youth (done mostly in New Zealand or the UK) has found Muslim parents DO want their children to have sexual education, but not until they are getting married. Knowing that Muslims are having sex before marriage means that having them wait until they are getting married to provide them with this education is too late, and dangerous. They clearly need to know about issues of consent, violence in relationships, and healthy sexual decision making long before that time.

The Greatest Source of Sex Ed is the Media and Parents are the Least Likely Source

I asked my participants to rate, on a scale from 0 – 4, how much sexual education they received from the media, their friends, and their parents. Media received the highest rating and was statistically significantly higher than the rating given to parents as a source of education.

This isn’t unique to Muslims, but it highlights the problem that plagues all young people – parents aren’t talking about issues of sex and sexual health so the school systems need to provide this education. My research simply points out that Muslim youth are no different than their non-Muslim counterparts in this regard.

Lack of Sexual Knowledge -> Fear of Negative Sexual Self-Judgement -> Unhealthy Relationships

The main focus of my dissertation was sexual guilt and sexual anxiety of young Muslim adults. Previous research has found belief in sexual myths and lack of sexual knowledge to be related to higher levels of sexual guilt. Sexual guilt is a fear of negatively judging oneself for either engaging in or possibly engaging in sexual activity.

Previous research has also found a sexual guilt to be related to greater sexual dissatisfaction, higher frequency of sexual problems, and dissatisfaction with a current sexual relationship, which in turn has been found to be related to decreased relationship and marital satisfaction.

Lack of sexual knowledge can therefore result in negative feelings about sexual activity which will have an impact on sexual and romantic relationships.

Conclusion

My conclusion is the same as before – young Muslims need sexual health education, just as their non-Muslim counterparts do.

References:

Brezsnyak, M.,& Whisman, M.A. (2004). Sexual desire and relationship functioning: The effects of marital satisfaction and power. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 30, 199-217. doi: 10.1080/00926230490262393

Cado, S., & Leitenberg, H. (1990). Guilt reactions to sexual fantasies during intercourse. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 19, 49-63. doi: 10.1007/BF01541825

Darling, C.A., Davidson, J.K., & Passello, L.C. (1992). The mystique of first intercourse among college youth: The role of partners, contraceptive practices, and psychological reactions. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 21, 97-117. doi: 10.1007/BF01536984

Mendelsohn, M. J., & Mosher, D. L. (1979). Effects of sex guilt and premarital sexual permissiveness on role-played sex education and moral attitudes. Journal of Sex Research, 15, 174-183. doi:10.1080/00224497909551039

Trudel, G., & Goldfarb, M.R., (2010). Marital and sexual functioning and dysfunctioning, depression and anxiety. Sexologies, 19, 137-142. doi: 10.1016/j.sexol.2009.12.009

Witting, K., Santtila, P., Alanko, K., Harlaar, N., Jern, P., Johansson, A.,… Sandnabba, K. (2008). Female sexual function and its associations with number of children, pregnancy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 34, 89 – 106. doi: 10.1080/00926230701636163

originally published on sobiaalifaisal.com

Understanding Consent & Sexual Assault Awareness

May 15, 2015 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

We love this great interview on Muslims & Mental Health on sexual assault awareness, featuring Sumaya Abubaker. Hosted by Heather Laird Jackson, the episode begins with Sumaya’s story as a survivor, and continues to explore the challenges of being a survivor, the challenges of reporting, healing, and moving forward.

Please watch this important episode and share with your friends and family.

http://therapycable.com/mediaitem/319-sexual-assault-awareness.html?fb_ref=Default