Being victim-centered when a revered leader dies

The recent death of a revered scholar that has also harmed people has brought up many emotions. Earlier this week, we posted about how those who do good can also do harm. Today, we wrap up this week by diving deeper into the range of complex emotions that have been shared, and uplift some of the voices that are not as dominant.

1) Those who do good can also do harm. One person’s experience of someone may be full of deep connection, learning, and growth, while another person’s experience may be full of pain, isolation, and oppression. Neither experience is invalid, and both can be given the proper attention they deserve. Centering the voices of those who have been harmed – even if they are few compared to those who have benefited – is critical to building safe and inclusive communities and preventing future harm.

2) The impact of spiritual abuse and violence can last well after the abuser’s tenure. That harm should be addressed openly with honest conversations during their lifetime, and, if necessary, also after they die.* The impacts of harm – particularly spiritual abuse and gender-based violence – can last a lifetime, well beyond the tenure of an abuser’s leadership or their life. The person who has harmed will almost always be able to move on, while those who have experienced their harm may never be the same and will carry that trauma with them for a lifetime.

3) Ignoring the harm that happens because of spiritual abuse is disrespectful to survivors. Not addressing it, minimizing it, or reducing it to mistakes or ‘human flaws’ is deeply disrespectful to the painful experiences that those who have been harmed by the community leader. It erases their experience and lived realities and can impact their healing journey. For those who are community leaders, it rewrites history in a way that can cause lasting harm.

4) Spiritual abuse by a person in leadership results in multiple layers of harm. When a leader uses their religious authority to gain control over others, there is a betrayal at the individual, community, and institutional levels (if there is an institution involved). Specifically, those that are harmed include the individual(s) that directly experienced the harm, as well as those who take spiritual guidance from the leader and now are left to grapple with their teacher’s actions. This can cause great crises of faith, and many to feel like they lost their sense of community and question their faith altogether.

5) Accountability must happen publicly for those in leadership. Every believer has an opportunity to privately repent, repair, and ask for forgiveness from their Lord, and from those they have harmed. When the person who has harmed is in a position of public leadership and religious authority, this accountability process must happen publicly as well: the naming of their abuses and how they will repair the harm can be critical to modeling accountability as well as providing closure for those who have been harmed.

6) We all contribute to harm. We all can participate the re-traumatization and triggering of those who have been harmed. This includes: other religious scholars or community leaders glorifying the person who has harmed when they die and not acknowledging the pain they may have caused. It can also look like silencing others who choose to speak up about the complexity of their feelings by shaming them or telling them not to speak ill of the dead.

7) Justice is in this world and the Next. True justice lies with God and we are still obligated to build just communities in this world. How we respond to and address harm, support survivors, and build communities of care that center the most marginalized is working to fulfill that obligation and every one of us has a role in this work. Spiritual abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum – there are often people and systems in place that enable the harm to continue. Repairing harm with survivors can and should happen even after the tenure or passing of the person that harmed them.

We can create communities that are victim-centered and acknowledge the complexity of human beings, and hold their contributions to this world alongside the harm that they’ve done. We don’t have to reinforce the binary of heroes and monsters, because most of the time life is not one way or another; it is messy and complex. Multiple conflicting truths do exist: those who can be the source of a lot of good can also be the source of a lot of pain. That pain can often be difficult to grapple with, or reconcile, and it is indeed easier to pretend it never happened, especially upon someone’s death. And yet, we cannot continue to build communities that come at the expense of those who have been most marginalized – otherwise we are only replicating those systems of harm.

Survivors – this week, and always – we see you. We feel you. We hear you. We are you.

*we are grateful for Dr. Donna Auston for uplifting this important reflection.