Youth Development

The Serious Implications for Denying Muslim Youth Sex Education

January 14, 2016 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

by Nadiah Mohajir

In her guest blog piece, Sobia Ali-Faisal boldly claimed that Muslim youth need sex education. Why? Because Muslim youth are having sex. According to her research more than half of those she surveyed reported having sex before marriage. The Family & Youth Institute has found similar percentages, with 53.8% of never-married Muslim college students reported having sex.

The data is loud and clear. It’s time for us to make a serious commitment to offering Muslim youth sex education programming that addresses their needs. Muslim girls and boys are expected to abstain from premarital sex and alcohol and substance consumption, without any additional context or preparing them with decision-making skills. In other words, there is often no emphasis on developing critical thinking and decision-making skills or a healthy self-concept in relation to the body, sexuality, and spirituality. Outside of the home, in addition to their natural curiosity, these same young people are constantly bombarded with sexual images, peer pressure, and messages encouraging them to have sex, and actively partake in romantic relationships.

These cultural factors are unavoidable, but when we avoid having conversations about sexuality, young people will go elsewhere to find out about sexual health. The idea that talking about sexuality or body literacy is immodest or that it should take place only between married couples leads young men and women to find out about sexuality from friends, magazines, online, or even pornography. Instead, we should create safe, culturally sensitive spaces for young people of faith to ask questions and get information that is consistent with their beliefs. We are pleased to introduce to you our latest guide, “Let’s Talk about Sex: A Muslim Parent’s Guide to Having “the Talk” with their Kids,” a resource for parents who want to begin these important conversations with their children. A must read for all parents, this guide offers the latest research, background information, tips, conversation starters, and even scripts that parents can use when bringing up these sensitive topics with their kids. Below, I address some concerns and FAQs that I have received from parents about letting their kids have access to sex education and why this guide will be so useful to them as they think about this next phase of their child’s life.

But doesn’t sex education encourage teens to have sex and be promiscuous?

There is a common misunderstood notion that teaching youth about sexuality, in a comprehensive way that includes information on contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and pregnancy may lead to increased promiscuity and premature sexual activity. Research actually shows the opposite. A 2010 Guttmacher Policy Review states that there is no evidence that comprehensive sex education programs lead to increased rates of sexual activity and earlier initiation. Rather, it may have the opposite effect: empowering young people with the tools to delay sex and make more informed decisions. Perhaps the most compelling reasons for parents to talk to their kids about sex is that it is actually protective in nature. Recent research shows that parents have a great influence on their teens’ sexual behaviors when they talk to their teens about sex: teens are more likely to use condoms and birth control when they have sex. Additionally, other studies indicate that children who are comfortable talking about sex are actually more likely to delay sexual activity and be older when they first have intercourse. In fact, a 2012 survey by the Office of Adolescent Health at the Department of Health and Human Services indicated that “almost 9 in 10 teens (87) said that it would be much easier to postpone sexual activity and avoid pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents.”

What about current sex education programs? Aren’t those enough?

Current efforts in sex education are missing the mark. A 2004 study indicates that Muslim youth feel frustrated with sex education programming at public schools because it does not take into account their cultural and religious worldview, and instead speaks to students as if sexual activity is predetermined. At the same time, they expressed religious programming does the exact opposite: it assumes that information about sex and sexuality is not relevant to youth because sexual activity shouldn’t be taking place anyway.  As such, typically programming at religious institutions exclude a great deal of important information – both on anatomy and other aspects of sexual relationships. For example, the programming barely focus on topics such as pregnancy, sexually-transmitted infections (STIs), self-esteem, healthy relationships, and decision-making.

But I don’t want the school to teach my kid values and morality about sex.

Most school-based programs are not values-based. They may cover topics such as masturbation, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT), and premarital sex that often causes many religious and conservative parents discomfort. Despite parents’ beliefs otherwise, however, these topics are objectively and to facilitate inclusivity and tolerance. As such, because of the sheer diversity of racial, ethnic and religious background in schools, values and morality about sex and sexuality are not usually taught within the school sex education program. If these are important conversations for parents to have, which they should be, it is encouraged to continue the conversation at home.

What happens if youth do not get sex education?

A limited focus on sexual education is disconcerting from both a public health and faith-based perspective: Muslim youth are left unprepared to deal with issues of reproductive and sexual health, and consequently, may:

Be unprepared for the major changes their bodies are undergoing, which can lead to confusion, curiosity and/or exploration;
Be unequipped to make informed decisions without better understanding of sexual health, sexual experimentation, and its consequences;
Seek out (mis)information in pornographic magazines, internet sites, and erotic visual programs, or to rely on information picked up from peers at school or work, or from obscene jokes, ultimately perpetuating myths, misinformation, and misunderstandings as well as unhealthy attitudes toward gender and sexuality;
Rely on debunked cultural traditions, myths, and practices;
Be unequipped to identify abuse and how to seek help;
have unhealthy sex in life/marriage; and
Giving in to pressures to engage in sexual activity in order to fit in, even if one is not ready.

The lack of open dialogue and education about sexual health in the Muslim community leads to negative health outcomes, sexual experimentation, sexual violence and marital challenges in the community. If young people are not informed about their bodies and healthy relationships, they are not equipped to identify sexual health problems or when they are being abused,  and they don’t know where to get help.

But I’m still not comfortable with the school teaching my kid this information. I want to teach him/her myself. Is this possible?

Parents should absolutely be involved in their children’s sex education. Most schools have parent sessions before beginning the unit so that parents can be familiar with what their child will be learning. Additionally, because of time constraints, schools may not have enough time to cover important topics such as peer pressure, decision-making, values, and ethics. They may simply introduce these topics. This is the perfect opportunity for parents to continue the conversation and talk about expectations, decision making, values and peer pressure.

While parents can absolutely opt-out of school-based sex education programs and replace that education with their own information, it is something that we do not recommend. The reality is many parents don’t have the adequate resources to do so: they may not have a solid, accurate foundation of sexual health information themselves, or they may not have the time or training to navigate the difficult and sensitive topics our youth are dealing with today. The ideal sex education program is that which students attend through school, and continue that education at home with their parents. This will ensure that they are getting the solid foundation of accurate sexual health information they need, as well as the opportunity to relate that information to their specific cultural and religious context.

Sex education for ALL Muslim youth is long overdue. There are many great programs already out there, so we do not have to reinvent the wheel. We just have use those programs as a foundation to create something that fits the needs of our diverse community. Additionally, there is no time like the present to begin these conversations at home, and we hope that you find our parent’s guide useful in guiding that discussion.

Are Parents Getting in the way of Sex Education?

December 11, 2015 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

by Sobia Ali-Faisal

If the recent controversy in Ontario over the new sex education curriculum has demonstrated anything, it’s that many Muslim parents are VERY passionate about their children’s sexual education, or preferable lack thereof. For those who may not be aware, the province of Ontario introduced a new health education curriculum to be implemented for all grades, which includes a sexual health component at each grade level. It’s a well-researched, age-appropriate curriculum but many parents, including many Muslim parents, protested when it first was introduced in the spring. In the new school year nearly 700 hundred children were kept out of Thorncliffe Park Public School (almost half their population) on the first day of school and their parents have vowed to keep their children out of school until the new sex-ed curriculum is changed (I’m not sure if that happened but I have heard, anecdotally, that many parents have pulled their children out of public schools and put them in private Islamic schools, which, for their part, have been offering discounted tuition). Other Muslim groups, however, have come out in favour of the curriculum as have a group of local imams.

It’s obvious that many Muslim parents are fearful of what it will mean for their children to learn about sexuality and sexual issues but by denying their children sexual health education, for whatever reason, they are doing their children a huge disservice.

Many Muslim parents are genuinely fearful of the impacts sexual education may have on their children. Perhaps they worry that their children will be more likely to engage in sexual activities if they learn about sexual health. Perhaps they believe that their children will view sex and sexuality differently than they do which may result in cultural and worldview conflicts. For many parents, this may mean they do not understand their children, or worse, that their children will differ from them on fundamental values. So how do we allay their fears? How do we convince parents that sexual health education is nothing to fear?

First, and possibly most important, is the understanding and acceptance of the fact that parents and their children may indeed differ in their values as children get older. Children growing up in North America will have social experiences that will differ in many ways from those of their parents who grew up elsewhere, and these experiences will inevitably influence the ways in which said children view the world. The key is to not view this difference as a negative development and for parents to understand that these differences, which could include cultural differences, can actually enrich the relationship as long as they are not ignored or denied and are explicitly acknowledged.

Second, parents should not be in any denial that that their children WILL face sex and sexuality related decisions, and most likely sooner than later. From body exploration at a young age to school friends having two dads or two moms to peer pressure in their teens, sexuality issues will be an inevitable part of their lives beginning early in life. When it comes to sex itself my research demonstrated that young Muslims are no different than any other young people. Very often this information conflicts with what many parents expect, believe, or teach their children. Many take an abstinence-only approach, expecting that their children will only engage in sexual activity once married. But that is not the reality for many young Muslims.

Third, parents need to know that all the evidence suggests their children will be much better off, and healthier, being educated about sexual health, relationships, inclusivity, and consent (all of which are included in the Ontario curriculum). Research further suggests that providing sexual health education to young people actually will often result in young people delaying their first sexual experience. Education is a tool that helps us navigate the world. Just as children need to learn the basics of math, science, literature, and history to understand their world, they need to learn the basics of their sexual health to understand themselves, their bodies, their relationships with others, and their boundaries. We cannot place less importance on the health of our children than we do on math, science, and literature. All youth need to be armed with sexual education so that they are able to make healthy sexual decisions, which they will most certainly be confronted with throughout their entire lives.

Finally, Islamically, it is absolutely appropriate to provide sexual health education to children. Islam encourages education and views regarding sex have been relatively progressive. Even the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) spoke about sexual relations openly and advised his ummah on the issue. The various hadith on this point demonstrate he did not shy away.

In summary, children of Muslim immigrant parents will experience growing up differently than their parents. These children WILL be faced with sexuality and sexuality-related decisions throughout their entire lives. Providing them with sexual health education will provide them with the tools needed for them to make healthy decisions, whether it be the ability to recognize an abusive and dangerous situation, to respect those of sexual orientations or genders different than their own, or to delay sexual activity until they are completely prepared and comfortable. Islam does not forbid learning or talking about sex. This is often a restriction we place on ourselves. The fears that parents face regarding this topic is real and should not be discounted, but there are ways to allay those fears. Indeed, educating parents and decreasing their fears and anxiety around issues of sex and sexuality needs to be a part of the sexual health education of young Muslims.

Sobia Ali-Faisal received her PhD in Applied Psychology from the University of Windsor in 2014. She currently resides in Canada.

The Problem with “Boys Will be Boys”

October 11, 2015 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

Everyday Messages that Excuse Bad Behavior and Promote Rape Culture and What we Can do About it

by Nadiah Mohajir

In the last week, I have had two parents reach out to me about incidents at their childrens’ schools. Both were young girls not even yet in upper elementary school, at two different schools, yet both situations were eerily similar. In the case of one girl, the male classmate made a series of extremely graphic comments to her. The other girl had the unfortunate experience of her male classmate poking her repeatedly in her private parts.

Both of these girls are blessed with incredible proactive and concerned parents and teachers, who did all the right things by informing the right people and are looking into effective disciplinary action. In the case of both boys, their parents’ response was less than ideal. In one case, the mother wasn’t able to attend a meeting with school officials with the level of urgency she should have given the situation. In the case of the other, the parent’s justified their son’s behavior as “bratty behavior” and “he didn’t mean it THAT way”

The frequency with which these incidents are happening, and with such young children, has a number of considerations. First, our tendency in society is to take a “boys will be boys” attitude, which has normalized violence against women and girls. Second, how we (as parents, as administrators, etc) respond to such situations can inform future attitudes and behaviors. Finally, we must start and continue to have conversations with our children of all ages about sexual abuse, about consent, about boundaries. Both about how we should protect ourselves, but more importantly, about how we have a responsibility to respect other people’s boundaries.

The fact that this messaging is all around us, in the media, on the radio, and even on the clothing we buy our children makes it a much harder battle to fight. For example, among the many options for full sleeve graphic t-shirts for boys OldNavy.com, was one with the age-old idiom “boys will be boys.” For me, this was a demonstration of how subtly interwoven gender stereotypes and rape culture is in our society: not only is this a commonly used phrase in every day language, but cute marketing and product placement strengthen this messaging by reinforcing and normalizing it.

Before I continue to talk about why I find this messaging so problematic, let’s first talk about how its typically used. The proverb is generally to refer to the idea that boys are expected to be irresponsible or boisterous. So consider the following examples:

You host a playdate for your son and two of his male friends. After a couple of hours of playing in the basement, you discover the room to be a mess and several toys to be broken. The other parents laugh it off and shrug “After all, boys will be boys”
A teen girl suffers from being harassed at school. Often, boys catcall and whistle at her when she walks by. She complains to her neighbor, who shrugs her shoulder advising her to “lighten up. They’re just hormonal boys. Boys will be boys.”
Your daughter is quietly playing in the sandbox at a birthday party when her cousin charges into the yard and dumps a bucket of water on her, causing her to be greatly upset. You and your sister, the boy’s mother, try to calm her down, and your sister, with the best of intentions, explains “I’m so sorry sweetheart. He’s just, you know…being a boy. They’re just like that.”

There are countless more examples of how this idiom is used on a daily basis. The above examples likely sounded familiar to you and I encourage you to continue to think of how this idiom has been used either by you or in your presence in the past. So why is this messaging so problematic? How does it subtly contribute to gender stereotypes and rape culture?

“Boys will be boys” assumes that being born male predisposes one to irresponsible or inappropriate behavior. This attitude sends the message that boys are almost expected to mess up, behave irresponsibly, or worse, aggressively. While boys may have a greater likelihood of preferring certain types of physical and active play, there is absolutely no research that shows that correlated to a greater likelihood of exhibiting aggression, cruelty towards others, or any other inappropriate behavior. By continuing to reinforce this idea, we are indirectly contributing to this misinformed belief that boys are expected to behave a certain way. In addition, as Dr. Meyer explains in this article, the expression actually “attempts to explain away aggressive behaviors that a small number of children exhibit by linking it with ‘natural’ or ‘biological’ impulses, without examining other reasons for the aggression.” The result is that we often end up ignoring other factors such as environmental, social and individual factors that are likely contributing to the aggressive behavior.
It essentially excuses boys from behaving badly or hurting others and does not teach accountability, but rather, removes responsibility. Approaching normal, common situations such as the ones described above with a “boys will be boys attitude” excuses boys from behaving badly or hurting others and removes accountability. Boys are no longer expected to take true responsibility for their behaviors because such behavior is expected from them. If boys hear this messaging from a very young age, they may become accustomed to not being responsible for their bad behavior. Not only does this build bad lifelong habits where one is used to not taking ownership for any actions, it also promotes violence, especially against women. If boys are meant to be aggressive and physical, then it is okay to express their emotions in a very physical and aggressive way, and not have to answer for it, because “boys will be boys.”
It reinforces gender stereotypes. Because this phrase generally sets the expectation for boys to behave a certain way, it reinforces gender stereotypes by allowing people to internalize these attitudes which ultimately shape the way people interact with each other. Girls who behave similarly are seen as “aggressive” while boys are just behaving like boys. Moreover, it also promotes gender inequality when referencing domestic expectations. A boy who chooses not to complete his chores of washing the dishes may be excused by “boys will be boys” while girls would generally not be given the same leeway.

Not pushing back on this messaging – whether by challenging media and marketing, or by challenging the way the above-mentioned situations are handled in real situations such as at school – has dire consequences and creates an environment that ultimately is ripe for violence against women.

So what can we start doing to change the status quo?

Respond with an expectation of accountability. When a child or young person behaves inappropriately – with aggression, or cruelty or the like – we should respond in a way that says this is not ok, and we expect better from you. Not addressing such behavior creates a culture that lacks accountability and dismisses bad behavior based solely on gender. In the most extreme circumstances, it is this very attitude that facilitates an environment that is ripe for abuse, and for such behavior to be shoved under the rug. Of course, the course of action is dependent on each unique situation, and certain disciplinary approaches may be effective in one situation but completely irrelevant in another.
Stop making excuses. We have to stop making excuses for misogyny just because there aren’t any other alternatives. There aren’t any alternatives because we just haven’t worked to commit to implementing them yet. Developing long term, effective strategies to combat rape culture and violence against women requires an interdisciplinary approach. For example, to address school-based incidents, it would be important to bring together sexual violence experts, educators, administrators, and parents to work toward a strategy that makes sense for all.
Teach your children about consent and boundaries. Start these conversations as early as the age of 3 and take advantage of teaching moments. Honor your child’s wishes if he/she does not want to kiss or hug a relative. At the same time, teach your child to ask for permission before hugging or rough-housing with a peer, and to respect them when/if they say no. For a more detailed discussion on how to have age-appropriate conversations with your children, please refer to this parent’s guide.

It is our collective responsibility to work toward making this change. Our children deserve better. Our communities deserve better. We can no longer can afford to keep dismissing these attitudes and behaviors simply because it’s easier and seems effective in the short term. As Jennifer Hicks, parenting blog author said, “We have to replace ‘boys will be boys’ with a much more acceptable idea: Boys will be what we expect them to be.”

Lessons from the Field: Debunking Myths among Muslim Youth

March 17, 2014 by The Heart Team Leave a Comment

By Sameera Qureshi

“Because girls are dirty”, was one response a grade five girl gave to my question.

We were talking about menstruation and praying, and that Muslim females are excused from performing the five daily prayers and fasting when they are menstruating. But hearing a young girl call herself “dirty” was heartbreaking. Even more heartbreaking was the fact that this young girl most likely formed this attitude because of messaging she received from her family and cultural context.

I took this opportunity to speak with the entire class and challenge the idea that girls are dirty when they menstruate. The Quran uses the term “impure” and I had to explain what that meant. So I took the positive approach. I told the girls that God did not give periods to women to then treat them as dirty. Rather, when they menstruate, it may be a tough time physically if they have pain or are not feeling like themselves. Despite the fact that they cannot perform their prayers, I reminded them that they can still be mindful of God while they are menstruating. A girl’s period is a powerful sign that she will someday in the future be able to bring life into this world…what’s so dirty about that?

Another of my students showed me that her mother had slipped something into her backpack and she didn’t know what it was or how to use it. She pulled out the pad her mother had placed in her backpack, and I was surprised that her mom had not taken the steps to educate her daughter and instead just put it in her backpack. When I explained to her that it was for when she would get her period, she seemed confused. It seemed too abstract when we spoke about hormones from the brain and puberty and the myriad of changes she would soon experience. So I sat down with her and drew it out…yes, I drew what a period was and what happened, and she understood it! Especially when I whipped her pad out and showed her how to place it on her underwear, her face lit up because she now had nothing to worry out when she first saw a red spot on her underwear in the future.

And thus began my journey educating Muslim youth about their reproductive health. It will be three years this September that I came across a colleague, Val Barr, from the Calgary Sexual Health Center and we started talking about the lack of sexual health education in schools with Muslim students. The schools didn’t even cover curriculum material that was mandated by the province for health class. The boys and girls were not learning about their sexual and reproductive health, and it was obvious from the incidences arising that parents weren’t filling that void either. And so, we decided that it was time to seek out an Islamic-friendly curriculum for these schools.

Except there was one problem – there wasn’t such a curriculum publicly available anywhere. We contacted other Islamic schools in the area, researched online and spoke to staff and the Islamic school in our city. Nothing had been formalized and the staff each did their “own thing” with students, mostly basing the information they provided on questions that the students had. This did not prove to be effective as it could be since classes didn’t receive consistent information and there were a lot of important topics such as self-esteem, identity, values, and media critiquing skills being left out.

It took about a year and many meetings with the Islamic school staff to re-work the provincial curriculum into something that had an Islamic framework. The result was a five-lesson curriculum based on physical, spiritual, and social/emotional changes, and we called it the “Gender Education Curriculum.” This initial curriculum focused heavily on educating girls about the physical changes, since we realized that the vast majority had not received this information before. And so in the spring of 2013, we ran this version of the curriculum across all grades and developed a version for the boys, which was implemented by the male (Muslim) physical education teacher. The feedback from students was great and we were surprised at the 75% consented enrollment rate across all grades. While there were a few parents who were concerned about which topics we would cover and not cover, the majority were very supportive and we were incredibly transparent about what the students were learning.

Not surprisingly, I have spent much of my time debunking myths during these sexual health education sessions with Muslim girls. What’s even more challenging is the amount of time it takes for girls to shift their thinking. I find it quite interesting that while most mothers admit to spending only a few minutes to talk to their daughters about menstruation and how to use a pad, should a girl be so lucky, the strength it takes to break these myths makes me wonder how many times they’ve been exposed to this misinformation. Among the myths I have heard are the following:

Hygiene-related: taking a bath/shower when menstruating will slow down the flow and therefore lengthen the overall menstrual cycle for the month
Religious-themed: girls should pretend to fast and pray so that the males in their house aren’t aware they are menstruating
Relationship-related: It is improper for a Muslim girl to feel attracted to a boy
Virginity-related: tampons are haram – impermissible – because using them makes one lose her virginity.

Even upon explaining to girls how these myths are false and have been circulating for many generations prior to theirs, it takes a while for them to come to terms with the fact that what they’ve been learning from their families and cultural context is inaccurate. The work around myth busting will always continue. I have found it useful to refer to religious texts to overcome these cultural myths, but that’s a whole other blog entry in itself.

The more I work with grade five students especially, who are learning about their “private parts” for the first time, the more I am validated in my belief that this information is long overdue. The girls already have so much shame and embarrassment around their reproductive system, and I suspect this shame would not be quite as strong if girls were learning about ALL of their body parts from a much younger age. Children should be learning this important information as early as the age of two, which is what many professionals recommend, especially for child sexual abuse education. Some girls can be quite vulgar and crude when they talk about their bodies, which may deter parents from letting their girls begin learning this information so early. Girls need to be matter of fact about their sexual health, the same way they are when they get a cold or a nosebleed: there’s a process on how to seek support if needed, but there’s also a simple process that will help girls understand what’s going on with their bodies, why, and what they need to do.

And so, for those of you reading this entry, what can you do? The first step, whether you do or do not have children, is to assess your comfort level and knowledge of your own bodies and to seek out information you’re missing:

Do you know the scientific anatomical names for our external and internal reproductive system structures? And their functions?
Do you know the stages of the menstrual cycle?
Do you know why some women get cramps while others don’t, and where those cramps originate from?
Do you know how to determine when a woman is ovulating?
Do you know why and how to track a menstrual cycle?
Do you know healthy and unhealthy signs of menstrual cycles?
Do you know how to identify common medical conditions such as urinary tract infection and yeast infections?
Do you know the importance of women seeing a gynecologist, regardless of whether they are sexually active or not?

For myself, it wasn’t until I was in my early 20s that I understood what the menstrual cycle was, in all its amazing intricate details and stages! We can’t expect to teach our children about something that we are not comfortable with. I strongly recommend the resource Menstrupedia and a book by the Boston Women’s Collective called Our Bodies, Ourselves. Both are reliable and evidence-based, and written from a sensitive and easy to understand approach.

While there may be initial discomfort in learning about our reproductive systems, the more you learn, the more this feeling will subside. With the girls I teach, I remind them over and over again that God created them in His perfect image, and menstruation is something to feel empowered about, not stifled by. The more we learn and talk openly about a natural and powerful process that women have gone through well before our own time, the more we will break down the walls of shame and embarrassment around ourselves and other girls and women in our lives.

And if you’re wondering how to talk with your children (boys and girls) about puberty from an Islamic perspective…stay tuned for this discussion in my next blog post.

Sameera Qureshi, MScOT (c) is an Occupational Therapist and currently manages a mental health promotion project that is school and community based, in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Her work over the past six years has been primarily with Muslim populated schools and their families. Since 2011, Sameera has been working to implement Islam-oriented sexual health education programs both within these schools and the greater Muslim community. Her work includes developing the curriculum for both genders and teaching the curriculum to girls in grades 5-9, running parent sessions, collaborating with multiple Calgary agencies around sexual health, and making her work available to interested community member and professionals. She also maintains a blog called Muslim Sistah and can be found on Twitter @muslimsistah

An Alternate Reality

January 12, 2014 by The Heart Team

Originally published on altmuslimah.com

By Ayesha Akhtar

Over the last few years, one question HEART has repeatedly asked Muslim girls (ages 10-18) in various arenas is, “what are the top three challenges you face as an American Muslim girl?” Without fail, we receive the following responses: (1) hijab/self-esteem; (2) bullying; and (3) Islamophobia/stereotypes. Troubling? Yes. But completely understandable as these girls share the same interests, watch the same movies, and probably admire the same fashion as others; the only difference is that they are also trying to reconcile their Muslim identity with their American one.

HEART Women and Girls is thrilled to give these girls a creative safe space to discuss these issues. Conversely, when we ask their parents the corresponding question, “what are the top three challenges you think your daughter is facing as an American Muslim girl?”, we receive three completely different answers: getting into the best college, fitting into society, and finding a suitable spouse. This disconnect can imply that parents have no idea what their daughters are dealing with on a daily basis. Is it a big deal? In the short term, maybe not, but when coupled with the underworld that exists today within our Muslim youth, then yes, this disengagement between parents and their children is a significant problem.

Immigrant parents no doubt have a difficult task. I am a first generation American Muslim, and a parent, so I can say with conviction it is not easy to raise children with a deep-rooted cultural and a relatively conservative Muslim identity which flies in the face of a secular society that lives and breathes sexuality in media, music and social circles. And what makes that task even harder is parenting with eyes closed, ignorant to all of the clandestine activity and lying that youth are quite capable of these days.

Parents, you may believe the hardest challenge for your son or daughter is his/her college application, or the noble quest to find a suitable mate, but I beg to differ. Please read this carefully: you are more than likely missing the mark. Take a gander in the Q&A section of any online, instant fatwa website to find adolescents asking questions that suggest an alternate reality exists, laden with problems much greater and overwhelming than selecting a college. They want to know answers to questions ranging from whether or not ‘hugging’ is haram or halal, what officially constitutes ‘dating’, or if we call it ‘intermingling’ does that make it acceptable? They ask questions like, “Where can I get my hymen restored?, “What kind of abortion is the best?” The list goes on.

Often, parents enroll their children in an Islamic school, thinking they can assign to the school their duties to raise their kids with a proper religious and moral upbringing. Boys pick up girls after school, tell their parents a later ‘pick up’ time, or make excuses to be with friends – these lies are being told every day. In many cases, teachers are powerless, and don’t interfere because the parents will start defending their children and accuse the teachers of imparting poor “Islamic social skills” to the students!

It is alarming when this social scene takes a turn towards dating and sex. “I can show you 10 different ways we can get together and you won’t get pregnant” or “if you give me oral sex it’s not haram because I’m a hafiz,” are two different text messages a school administrator recently intercepted. The first text message reflects the sex education that our youth are either being excused from or not receiving in schools. The second text message is indicative of a young hafiz’s thought process (“I’ve memorized the Qur’an, my community adores me for it, ergo, I can do what pleases me”). When communication between parents and their children is not open and honest, this sort of alternate reality world flourishes.

It is a fact that American Muslim youth (in a post 9/11 era) are struggling with their dual identity. This struggle is exacerbated when parents do not engage in candid dialogues and offer information that is relevant to their children’s lives. This much I know from my work with young girls in both public and private school sectors. When we begin any session with a proclamation of an open and honest safe space, participants often give me a puzzled look, or challenge me with countless ‘what ifs’. The reason for this is that they have never been told before they can speak without judgment, or that their confession is ‘safe with me’.

This is precisely the problem! Tweens and adolescents absolutely need to be heard; they are at the age of experimentation and exploration. They are challenging boundaries and asserting their independence. Parents do a greater disservice by pretending that because the child is Muslim and may attend an Islamic school or youth group, he or she does not have any sexual curiosity. Rather than reward their child for asking difficult questions and capitalize on the opportunity to engage in a frank conversation, parents mistakenly reroute their child back to their rooms with the oft-repeated mandate of maintaining same-sex friends, and not attending school parties.

The lack of sex education is a perfect example of a significant challenge in a young teenager’s life, and an insidious epidemic in this country. High school students (and sometimes junior high students) receive a semester or two of sex education, but when this information is not made relevant to a young American Muslim, what good is it? That child will turn around and ask his or her friend for more information or scope the internet for details, often stumbling upon gross misinformation. Isn’t it better they learn this information from you –the parents- or from their health class at school? Unfortunately, we have found that parents are hesitant to welcome sex education, and they shut the door to the conversation at home as well. Leaving teens uninformed only perpetuates the curiosity and the risky sexual behavior that Muslim youth have embarked upon.

There are several things parents can do right away to improve communication and stop the lies, secrecy and ignorance that may take over the relationship between a child and a parent:

Know your child’s friends. Have them over for dinner, or for an after school snack. Girls like to go to the mall, so accompany your daughter and her school friends. Take a book or have coffee while they walk around, but at least you are there.
Understand your child’s worldview. When your son or daughter approaches you with a question that makes you reach for a fatwa, take a deep breath and engage in conversation with your child. What is provoking the question? What are your child’s influences? Consider the media lens (how the media tells your child to fit into society), the peer lens, and the cultural lens, all of which impact your child’s worldview individually and collectively.
Encourage critical thinking. Rather taking a didactic approach to parenting, consider challenging your child with the same question. If you don’t agree with prom, for example, ask your child why s/he thinks your believe it is inadvisable to go?

If there is one thing you take away from this article, it is this: Islam holds a special place for everything that is beautiful; there is no place for ignorance. While raising Muslim children in a non-Muslim society is challenging, it is an even more formidable challenge for young Muslims to turn their heads away from the sexuality, the dating, and the drugs and alcohol when this negation is not supported by their own decision making, but rather finger-pointing and a bunch of unexplained restrictions. Simply presenting Islam as a list of rules is ineffective for the children of this society. Rules are enabled to be disabled.

Ayesha Akhtar was Co-founder and Director of Policy & Research at HEART Women and Girls. Currently, she works for the Epilepsy Foundation for America.

The Pressures Our Youth Face

January 8, 2014 by The Heart Team

by Nadiah Mohajir

Originally published on altmuslimah.com in 2010

A few days ago, my kindergartner came up to me and, as usual, relayed the happenings of her day. I patiently listened to her stories as I prepared dinner, until she started to tell one that demanded more immediate attention. “Mommy,” she said, “Kayla told Emma today that she is ugly, but Rachel and I told Emma she is beautiful and that we needed to have a talk with Kayla.” “Wow,” I thought to myself. “Does it really start this early?”

HEART Women & Girls was recently contacted by a 5th grade Islamic school teacher who distributed a survey to her students, asking them about the challenges they face in their day-to-day routine. Shockingly, two-thirds of the sixth grade girls and a little less than half of the fifth grade girls complained of “bullying” as a specific problem they struggle with.

Unfortunately, these girls are not alone. As HEART continues its discussions with educators and administration in Islamic schools, the issue of bullying is becoming increasingly apparent, calling for more urgent attention. In a recent workshop targeting fifth through eighth grade girls at a local Islamic school, we learned that more than 75% of these girls identify bullying as a major issue at their school. Moreover, the problem was not exclusive to relationships between boys and girls, but prevalent within same-gender interactions as well.

So, what’s going on with our youth? According to studies presented in My Body, My Self, 75% of girls aged eight to 10 years and 81% of 11 and 12-year-old girls expressed concern about fitting in with their peers. It seems then that most pre-teen girls share the same insecurities and anxieties about who they are and how they assimilate into the larger group. Yet, many of these girls feel the need to protect themselves from this realization, and resort to bullying and teasing others in order to feel empowered. Although many of them may have experienced the terror of victimization, they still seize every opportunity they can to torment others.

As HEART’s surveys and workshops in area Islamic schools indicate, harassment between peers is so rampant and far-reaching that even private Muslim schools, where most share the same faith, customs and values, are no exception. One Islamic school educator told us of a girl who received several emails from a classmate suggesting that she “kill herself because she was fat and ugly.” What’s more unfortunate is that the school did not have the proper staff or programs in place to address it effectively. This concept of “cyber-bullying” has led to disturbing trends, where emails, chat messages and other types of social media platforms are used to bully and condemn another girl. With a simple click of a button, a humiliating picture or a hateful email can circulate throughout an entire student body, and, within a few seconds, haunt a girl for the duration of her academic career. We can attribute this brutality to the omnipresence of technology and the increased distortions of beauty standards reinforced by an overly sexualized media.

The need for our girls to meet narrowly defined and stringent standards of beauty and to feel accepted by their peers has had some very serious, unhealthy consequences. Those who bully are more likely to engage in antisocial and delinquent behavior as adults, while the bullied have increased feelings of fear and anxiety that affect their levels of concentration and self-worth and often persist throughout their lifetime, leading to social isolation. According to the DOVE Self-Esteem Fund, “Self-esteem has an effect on every aspect of a person’s life. When girls and women feel good about themselves, they are more likely to engage in life, enjoy social interactions, and live up to their full potential.” On the other hand, when girls do not feel good about themselves, or are anxious about what people will think about them, they are less likely to participate in class, take leadership roles, and take a healthy risk of trying new activities.

It is imperative for us to stand up against bullying and empower our girls to unite and learn from each other’s strengths, rather than delight in each other’s apparent weaknesses. Many public schools today have taken a zero-tolerance policy stance on bullying – a short-sighted approach that may reduce bullying on school grounds, but does not address the problem of the bully him/herself, who can continue to harass in unsupervised venues. While there is not one easy solution to eliminate bullying from our girls’ lives, schools can employ a variety of strategies, including increased monitoring where bullying is expected (bathrooms, playgrounds, etc), reducing unsupervised time students have during the school day, and offering teachers training sessions on how to effectively address bullying. Most importantly, adopting self-esteem or character-building programs into the school curriculum is often very effective in building leadership and camaraderie in the school.

While parents send their children to Islamic schools with the hope of acquiring religious knowledge in addition to secular knowledge, it is important to remember that most schools – public or private – do not incorporate self-esteem courses into their regular curriculum. Consequently, it is crucial for parents to supplement their child’s education with character and self-esteem building activities, through continued and open conversation, as well as structured classes. More importantly, parents should keep in mind that bullying is not any less extreme in Islamic schools where the student body is more culturally and religiously homogenous.

Bullying should not be an issue in any community, Muslim or otherwise. Our basic value as human beings is that we treat others as we want to be treated, and I was sure to emphasize this to my kindergartner when she told me about her friend Emma. I know that this was but the first of many conversations I am to have with her as she continues to encounter these situations. However, my genuine belief is that by continuing the dialogue and making a concerted effort to understand the environment in which our daughters are growing up, we will be taking a crucial step toward raising confident girls who stand up against what is wrong.

Youth Development

Everyday Messages that Excuse Bad Behavior and Promote Rape Culture and What we Can do About it

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